Funny how,

I look back at my old blogs and see how much I've grown. I had a swearing problem that was been increasingly been going down since then, thank goodness. I felt things once that make me laugh now. Because I read how vulnerable I was to this one guy... and that makes me laugh because we just STOPPED talking altogether. Every so often, we'd say hi and whatnot, but now I'm thinking, what the heck was that? Yeah, we got super close, but that just stopped... and to be honest, that friendship wasn't even close to what I have with my best friend. YES, I said best friend. (If Andrea is reading this she's probably laughing really hard right now--STOP THINKING WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!) I wish people would just take it for what it is... but I have to admit, the things I hear crack me up. If you don't know what I am talking about, that's okay. Just smile and nod.

Anyway, back to my old blogs... I read them thinking how stupid I was... but I guess that comes with growing up, right? There's still a lot I need to work on. I am not perfect. I'm just really blessed by God :]

Blessing In Disguise.

Now I know the true meaning of it. Even a struggle can be a blessing. How can it not be? When struggles only are here to make us stronger and appreciate everything even more. I may cry and stress about situations, but I still can't completely worry about it. I don't get so worked up over it like I would before. I feel a lot more calmer... and it's all because of how much I am trusting God right now. I am so truly blessed and I feel I'm not even worthy of everything He's giving to me. But I guess He's just letting me know how much He trusts me as well.

More later, I need to get to class.

"Philia"

Seems to get harder and easier at the same time. I know why I was put into that session now. At first, I was thinking, I'm not having a hard time with my friends, so why am I in this one? I think I understand it now. I should have seen it coming. The troubles ahead. I'm doing okay, I promise. It just blows my mind how much DRAMA could fall around me. And some problems aren't my own, yet people love to pull me into it. A close friend of mine told me it's probably so I am able to use my gifts, and I guess that's the reason why. I mean, how many things could possibly happen within a week? WAY too many. I feel like I'm still in High School. That's how bad this has become. I'm not sure who I can trust sometimes. Yes, you all may say "You can trust me!", but can I really trust you when everything falls apart? How many are left standing beside me? I've had trust issues for a really long time now and I have to say there are probably less than five people I can truly trust with all my heart. They know who they are... I hope.

Going back to being pulled into the drama... get your facts straight BEFORE you decide to judge. What the heck am I supposed to do about it when you coming running to me looking from the outside on someone else's business that's not my own? I've had this happen twice already this past week. Of course I am going to defend them, because I KNOW them. I know who they are. The other two I may not be so close with anymore, but I know them better than that. And the one person you're judging, you don't even know anymore. And that person is who you WANT to see--"the bad person". How is it that you're expecting a change that YOU can see physically? The most important change is on the inside... I can see it.

Gah. What to do, what to do... nothing but pray for everyone in every situation. Maybe the problem is having too many friends? But... what am I saying? I love them all... no matter what.

What I say I'm going to do, and what I end up doing

never seem to work out sometimes. I need to have more will power... like stop eating fast food and wasting money. I need to start getting healthy! I have such bad eating habits. I'm not as concerned about my weight as I am with my health and being healthy in general. But I do need to get fit before I join the military.

That's just what's going on in my mind right now.

The Struggle

I am struggling with money... And I am definitely ashamed to say it. I'm frustrated with myself because as much as I am trying to save my money and manage it, my bills pile up... because of fees, and things that are being automatically charged like my payment protector. I'm so fucking confused and stressed and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not getting payed enough for the stuff I do at work or even enough hours...

I have three credit card bills to pay. And then there's my Verizon bill.

I am under stress. I can't sleep at night anymore...

Hopefully I get this other job... no more playing around. I gotta fucking grow up. Part of me already has... but yeah. I really need to work harder... I've also been fucking around in school.

Okay. This is something else I need to get through... but I need help. I admit it. I need help...

So sit back I'm about to explode...

I have to say, I've never felt so inspired... NATIONAL PRODUCT is the reason. They have given me new hope, a new spirit, and a new faith in myself that I have never even seen before. I just want to sit and write, and even though other thoughts may falter the inspiration, it never ceases to come back. I just want to share my passion with the world. I may not be the best, but I read somewhere (written by the guys of NP) that it isn't about being the best and it's not a race or a competition... It's about doing what you love and wanting to share that with others. That's what it has always been since the beginning for me. That's what I thought back in 7th grade when I started writing songs or maybe earlier when I would sing random things I made up to my parents while driving home from somewhere...

Jeff (one of the guys in the band) told me something that really inspired me as well. I asked him how it felt to finally get out there and share his music with the world and he was telling me how amazing it felt. That got me so excited, but I told him I had a small dilemma. A lot of people say when they hear me, they hear an R&B-Soulful feel, but when I write... it's poetic, "emo", or rock--whatever you wanna call it. I didn't know what to do. And you know what he said? "The best thing about music is that it has no limits. You can blend different styles of music and make it your own. That's what it's all about." I think there was more, but I just felt a rush and knew. I knew that he was right. I can't let something as SILLY as that get in my way of what I want to do... I may not be famous or whatever, but that doesn't matter. I just want to be the inspiration for people one day. Whatever I do... I want to keep singing.

They Who Made Me Smile

They made me smile. And I have to write about it. Those who walked in the doors of my work place... made my day so much better. Alex, Querida, Marie, Brandon, Mike, Manang and her Husband, Sheryl, Carmichael... all of them. So many visitors. With the worst manager. Gosh. Who knew just seeing people could make me smile ^_^