What I say I'm going to do, and what I end up doing

never seem to work out sometimes. I need to have more will power... like stop eating fast food and wasting money. I need to start getting healthy! I have such bad eating habits. I'm not as concerned about my weight as I am with my health and being healthy in general. But I do need to get fit before I join the military.

That's just what's going on in my mind right now.

The Struggle

I am struggling with money... And I am definitely ashamed to say it. I'm frustrated with myself because as much as I am trying to save my money and manage it, my bills pile up... because of fees, and things that are being automatically charged like my payment protector. I'm so fucking confused and stressed and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not getting payed enough for the stuff I do at work or even enough hours...

I have three credit card bills to pay. And then there's my Verizon bill.

I am under stress. I can't sleep at night anymore...

Hopefully I get this other job... no more playing around. I gotta fucking grow up. Part of me already has... but yeah. I really need to work harder... I've also been fucking around in school.

Okay. This is something else I need to get through... but I need help. I admit it. I need help...

So sit back I'm about to explode...

I have to say, I've never felt so inspired... NATIONAL PRODUCT is the reason. They have given me new hope, a new spirit, and a new faith in myself that I have never even seen before. I just want to sit and write, and even though other thoughts may falter the inspiration, it never ceases to come back. I just want to share my passion with the world. I may not be the best, but I read somewhere (written by the guys of NP) that it isn't about being the best and it's not a race or a competition... It's about doing what you love and wanting to share that with others. That's what it has always been since the beginning for me. That's what I thought back in 7th grade when I started writing songs or maybe earlier when I would sing random things I made up to my parents while driving home from somewhere...

Jeff (one of the guys in the band) told me something that really inspired me as well. I asked him how it felt to finally get out there and share his music with the world and he was telling me how amazing it felt. That got me so excited, but I told him I had a small dilemma. A lot of people say when they hear me, they hear an R&B-Soulful feel, but when I write... it's poetic, "emo", or rock--whatever you wanna call it. I didn't know what to do. And you know what he said? "The best thing about music is that it has no limits. You can blend different styles of music and make it your own. That's what it's all about." I think there was more, but I just felt a rush and knew. I knew that he was right. I can't let something as SILLY as that get in my way of what I want to do... I may not be famous or whatever, but that doesn't matter. I just want to be the inspiration for people one day. Whatever I do... I want to keep singing.

They Who Made Me Smile

They made me smile. And I have to write about it. Those who walked in the doors of my work place... made my day so much better. Alex, Querida, Marie, Brandon, Mike, Manang and her Husband, Sheryl, Carmichael... all of them. So many visitors. With the worst manager. Gosh. Who knew just seeing people could make me smile ^_^

Bang bang. To the heart.

What makes me feel the way I do? How many times has this situation arrived to the same exact outcome? This is what makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I'm trying way too damn hard. I need to stop putting myself in positions where I'll get hurt.

Falling.

Time to pull the trigger.

Ready?

Aim...

Fire.

Fallen.

And I'm the only one who notices.

Seems like my life is on repeat.

I Just Can't Stop

and I just can't pull my self away...

What is this? I dream about you, I think about you... I write about you. It's pathetic... What makes me think there's a chance? You're leaving soon. I won't see you again until November (not September like it says in the last entry). Will you write? Well, maybe by then, my feelings will have changed... that's if nothing happens between us.

Leavin'

I'm going away in September, and I am totally serious about it. Of course, I will be back, but I am really considering that trip... now if only I can save enough money to do so. No more outings for food. No more buying CDs ('cept for Jesse's), shoes, too much clothes... I really want to go to the mainland in September. For what? Not yet. Not now... I can't say. We'll see.