Love is Patient. pt 2

Unfortunately, I have my days where I question many of the things that I do. I need to vent... but I have no where else to go... so then, I blog. The last one wasn't just about one person... it was about my family as well. A lot of times I feel like I am just a body in this house. The one you take your anger out on... that's what I go through. I'm the youngest, shouldn't I be getting spoiled or something? Nope! I'm a punching bag for words. People wonder why I need to be heard all the time... because I'm never heard anywhere else.

But yet, through all the pain I have to feel... I am still patient in love. I used to see it as my downfall, but it really is my strength. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, though. Because when you love... you are made vulnerable. But then again, that's the only bad part about love... I give my heart and my all... and I should never expect anything in return, but sometimes its hard because you receive nothing in return... that's how I feel at home. People wonder why I hate being at home... I really do have a hard time with my family... and that's something I have a hard time talking about...

I am unhappy a lot of times... but at the same time, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I love everyone and everything in my life.

I need to practice patience... and my life is a great example of how to be patient... and to love unconditionally.

Unhappy?

Why is it that when you have something that you KNOW is a great thing in your life, you always end up taking it for granted? Or act as if it will always be there? And then once it starts to slip away, you realize how important it is, so you do whatever it takes to get it back... so once you have it again, you start to take it for granted.

I know that I can get like this, but nowadays, I would rather appreciate every little detail in my life. I especially get scared when I think about losing people so I constantly like to remind them of how much they mean to me.

But yet, I still feel like I'm being taken for granted. Like I'm just in existence as a part of furniture. Just to be there. I don't feel important in people's lives although they may say that I am. I'm not saying that I need to know every second that I'm cared about, but at the same time... I feel like I'm just... there.

And I trust words so easily... you wouldn't even need to beg to get me back...

I think I purposely hurt myself so that you don't need to do it later.

And the title of this blog? Yes, I am unhappy. Still stuck in that same position... trying to figure myself out, wanting to move on with my life... but knowing that I can't. But maybe you wouldn't care anyway. What am I waiting for? Sometimes I feel like even as a friend I am taken for granted... I don't know how to feel sometimes. I hurt so much knowing the truth... but yet all I can do is love. Because that's what Jesus wants me to do.

LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

I love you... unconditionally. And it's not fair. But nothing in life ever is...

Holy Week

What a challenge this has been, but guess what? I've grown A LOT. Every struggle I have been through, I turned it around so that I could grow from it. I have to remember everyday that I am blessed. Spoiled rotten with the love of God.

...I seriously just went blank while trying to think of my week, and what to say about it. I can't even describe it.

All I know is that I'll keep praying, and keep striving to be a better person. As for my discerning of to stay or go... we'll just see where the road takes me, one day at a time.

EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Everything.

Celebrate, for He is risen. :]

I love my God.

Wake Up

This is reality. I can't keep my head in the world I've created for myself. The world of perfection. The world without pain. And guess what? I definitely asked for it. I see it clearly. This seems so perfect, I wonder when the hurt will come in? Why did I so stupidly ask for it. I'm not angry, I'm amused with the way God works. I love God so much that I just know I need to trust Him and not worry the way I do. I'm already blessed with so much so I should just continue to know and realize what is good in my life. I'm serving, for one. And I love it so much.

I had a great talk with a good friend. I feel relieved because I've been wanting to speak with her for so long. And I'm glad she felt exactly the same.

Also, I had a great talk with Jesus during adoration. He spoke to me while I read the meditation during Life Teen's session. I was thinking, how ironic that I need to read THIS one out of the three that were read. I almost cried while reading because He was talking to me while I was speaking for Him.

"You're free", says Angela when I hugged her after I was done with my adoration. She says it because she was wondering why I was crying and I had a hard time explaining the reason. And I agree. I am free. I am most definitely free.

No person can hold me back from loving my God will all my heart. He is the only one who deserves it anyway. Any other person who wants in really needs to work. Because I am done proving myself. Although I may not have been trying... I am done proving myself to others. The only one that I need to be something for is God.

The friend that I had a great talk with deserves great thanks. Thank you for caring about me this whole time. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for telling me that it's okay to love and be hurt; because that's part of it all. That's the risk I have to take sometimes. It sucks, but it still happens... now do I sit around and wait, or do I leave?

That's something I'm discerning with God.

If you want something, work for it and work HARD for it. But only work as hard as you feel that it is worth giving time for. Make sense?

I think I gave enough... I think I gave too much...

But what I have learned... it's never a bad thing to love. To wake up and know that you love someone... and to know they still love you...