My 2008,

January - Muy interestante the way it started. Wish I could forget it, really. I had my first alcoholic drink EVER *gasp (I'm not a drinker, I won't make an excuse but it was for Angelica's birthday). Went clubbing for the first time.

February - We broke up. Thank God, because it was for the better. I didn't realize how unhealthy he was for me. Because I stopped trusting and having faith in God. But you kept trying to come back? And what for? Because you were lonely?

March - Reconnected with an old friend who ended up affecting my heart like he did... it was good while it lasted. Got my lip piercing. Got to chill with old classmates, and I haven't seen them since then. Wedding bells and a performance...

April - Barely remember what happened that month. Retreat happened though, still wasn't connected with God...

May - Clubbing all the damn time... wow, can't believe that...

June - National Product, had to get a rental car 'cause Lindsey's friend hit my car outside of Landon's house haha. Grad parties and graduations... it was eventful.

July - realized I wanted to join the air force... realized I had to get back in with God first. Cried to Landon about it--that's where it all began folks. More grad parties and performances for them.

August - Started going back to church--for good. Preparing for the retreat, chillin with the right crowd again. Focusing on God. Turned 19... made a year at Price Busters... Second year of college... blah Band camp happened here too

September - established ourselves as each other's bestfriend. How gay that I remember that. No I don't remember the date. Haha. But it was a Tuesday because it was at UH :] mm, yogurtland for the first time. Doing well with my relationship with God.

October - good birthday party--haha. Retreat =] SOOO Much happened, that needs to be its own blog. Got asked to be a Sponsor =] wow, this month was crazy.

November - realized I felt a little more for my bestfriend... haha I have many blogs about this month that I shouldn't even write it here... but yeah. Reconnected with my longtime sister =] Missed her dearly. Officially became a sponsor. And we met Ickest together haha

December - And here we are, end of the year... I quit my job, ended 3rd semester... everything is such a blur. I guess I'm just thankful for the people who made all these months so much more than I could ask for. And that's more than enough... these memories will be carried on forever =]

Better now,

promise. Thanks to Margie. Who showed me love and has faith in me. I love you so much because you make me want to be that better person and role model for you! After all, I need to be equipped to help you on your journey with God! And to my bestfriend, for putting up with me and loving me no matter what.


My heart is so happy. God is so wonderful. I trust Him more and more... even if I have my stupid human questions, but that I can't help.

Christmas isn't over yet!

Reason Being...

Upset? On Christmas? Must I really do this? Yes. Because no one else will hear me... no one else needs to bear this with me. My emotional rollercoaster of confusion, frustration... emptiness. I'm not filling myself with God enough times in a day to really be strong enough for this. I was upset with myself and my relationship with Him last night. I cried. I don't like the way I get... but honestly, I'm not even a step up of any of them. What I'm called doesn't fit. Man, I really want some time for myself. I don't get any quiet here at home... yet it's upsetting to want to be alone on Christmas. I got invited to join families, but I refused the invitation to spend it with my own. Only to find out they did everything on Christmas eve, when they KNEW I was working. They had dinner together... they saw the lights... I HATE WORKING. I HATE THAT I MISSED IT. And now I don't want to be here. Crying like a baby. No one could make me feel better. No one knows how to show they care. At least, not the people I expect it from MOST. What kind of Christmas is this? How can I show that I know how to love when the people who SAY they love me don't know how to show it?


And I'm supposed to write a teaching on love...

I can't do this.

On Christmas Day

I am thankful for all the presents I got under my tree, but most importantly that I was able to spend it with my family AND my church family. I am super happy, and greatful, but yet... my heart couldn't feel more empty. How emo, right? Well, that's just how it is. I'm impatient and frustrated and feel like I can't sit and wait for something to happen. I'm sick of how history repeats itself and yet, I know why it does. Or at least, I think I do... I'm not sure how to explain my heart right now. But I honestly feel like I need to stop showing how much I care. Because when you give and don't receive back, that only makes you more empty. That's what I learned in my communications class and even various places. And when you just only receive, you become spoiled. It needs to be even... but it's not. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I can better explain myself when I'm talking to Andrea, it seems. haha

oh well.

The way it feels,

to feel the way I do... You don't even know. My heart gets so heavy sometimes it kills me inside and I want to cry for no reason. Like right now. I'm so happy with my life, yet I don't feel quite satisfied. Something is still missing. Whether it's situations with friends, family, or life in general... I can't tell. My mind is everywhere. Right now is probably the perfect time to go for a jog like I inteded, but I can't help but sit here and think. What is wrong with me?

I promise you, who ever you are, that I am fine. I really am. God is so great and wonderful in my life. It's just... I've been feeling like something bad is going to happen. I'm a little nervous. Blah. I hate how I am sometimes. I just need to know I'm cared for. At least with reassurance. I guess that's just because of my past... it's something I need to get over completely. History doesn't always have to repeat itself... Why am I so worried? Idk, a lot of times I feel that I care more about people than they do for me... Haha I know, it's pathetic. I'm sorry.

I need some time by myself. A jog sounds pretty good to me right about now.

God is GOOD.

No matter what may happen... I had that sinking feeling in my heart that something bad was going to happen... and it did. It almost destroyed my day. But thank GOD for someone to listen and help me realize how stupid I'm being, and also throw back things I say as advice to use it for me to hear... to help with my situation. I am feeling a lot better, and I know that God loves me and will continue to bless me even if the blessing seems like a punishment, or something bad. It's up to me to make what I will about it.

It does still upset me how much of a misunderstanding this is... If I could only explain myself to that side... but would they even listen? I'm sure it would seem like an excuse. But it's not.

IDK, I can't let it bother me so much. Because I'm a lot stronger than I think. I'm lucky to have the kind of friend my bestfriend is to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my other friends just as much... :] And... honestly, I do miss them... but how could I go back when I'm only walking towards God? If this is the road He's taking me on... so be it... God is GOOD.

Lately,

things have been feeling a little out of focus. It might be because things with school are slowing down, but not without stressing me to the max first. Exam after exam... okay I'm exaggerating, but still... I'm a little stressed because of school. Another thing is work. I only have about two and a half weeks left at that place, and I'm a little sad to leave, but also relieved because I am so sick of working retail and never having enough time for more important things like family, friends, SCHOOL and church. I slacked in school because of work... Seriously, I need to focus better... Another thing is, I've been thinking... A LOT. And I'm not sure how I feel about everything right now. I'm a little numb, just like I used to be. And that scares me... I can't let myself go back to my old ways. What sucks though, is I lost friends along the way to my journey with God. I don't necessarily regret it, but I'm not sure they understand. Sometimes I just want to be by myself... because it would make me feel a lot better to know that I can't hurt anyone.

I really need God right now.

When I am quiet...

it could mean that...

I'd prefer not to talk.
I'm listening intently.
I'm thinking (good or bad).
I'm tired.
I'm annoyed.
I have nothing to say.
I have SO much to say but don't know where to begin...

And the last one was the case not to long ago. I wasn't smiling, even though you said I was. But then again you weren't looking. I wasn't even smiling inside. I was a little confused, but not enough to worry myself. I'm not sure how to respond to what you said.

Anyway, enough of that because I already talked to God, and I'm all g!

I learned something today. Though it was something I always kind of knew... and it's from an article Joan sent me today:

"If love were just an emotion, then God couldn’t command it. But love is something you do. It can produce emotion, but love is an action."

Do more than what you say, readers. If you love someone like your friends and your family, SHOW IT. Don't just say it. Because that could mean nothing unless there is your truth and heart behind it. Haha idk, I'm a little tired right now, but I wanted to write about this article all day and now I don't remember half the things I wanted to say!

I still stand by what I said to you last Tuesday.