Military?

Because I have no money to pay for school and I had to sit through another lecture about where I'm going in life from my father.
Because I don't feel that I have anything to stay here for.
Because I want to start my life fresh and be independent.

Of course I'm coming back... especially because Margie is getting confirmed next year (which is most definitely important to me), and also because I'll be able to pay for school... but other than that, I'm sick of hearing this same lecture. I had to hear how I shouldn't have trusted that I would have gotten that job. Do I really have to feel worse than I already do? I keep it all inside. I hate not having a job. Yes, I love my free time. But seriously, my dad makes it sound like I'm a failure and I choose to be one... and that I'm gonna keep changing my mind. UH HELLO, TUTORING IS FOR MY MAJOR, thanks.

Thank you for being SO SUPPORTIVE of me. Thank you for helping me reach my goals in life. *sarcasm.

The military is starting to sound GREAT again. Because I'll be able to get away from here. Because I can start over. Because I have more reasons to go than to stay. I'll have money, benefits... I'll be able to meet new people.

Next time, daddy dearest, ASK me how I'm doing. ASK me WHAT I'm doing... don't just assume that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I can take care of myself. Maybe not financially, but I'm not a little kid even though I may act like one sometimes... but that's only because you make me feel this way.

I knew that I was bound to crash and burn sometime... but with everything that's happening. I still trust that this is apart of God's big plan for me.

Don't Get Too Comfortable

Mm that's where I go wrong. Give too much, get too little. Don't I deserve more? I think so, but right now, I just have to trust God with what is happening. The devil is trying to get to me. And I cannot give in. I belong with GOD alone.

Do not worry about me. Don't even think of me. I am fine. And as of right now, I don't feel that I need you. I need GOD. More and more of Him. And that's probably something you should work on. Don't confuse me anymore. Don't feel anything. Just don't. And that's it.

I really need time for myself and for God. Seems like He's the only one I can really trust.

Wall, come back up please.

Relax,

I'm sure everything will be fine :]

My future is unveiling and I am really excited. I'm serious. I don't think I've ever been so excited about going to school... haha. I hope I do graduate on time with my AA in Teaching so that I can get to Manoa already. I talked to my mom about financial aid and a loan, and she got kind of mad saying "we sent your brother and your sister to school, you think we can't send you to school either?" I really didn't mean to offend her when I told her that she didn't have to pay for school anymore if I was able to get a loan. It's just that if my dad wants to retire on time, and I want him to retire on time as well, then I really need to help them out. It sucks being the youngest and still in school and whatever, but I gotta do what I gotta do, right?

I'm getting really excited to become a teacher, I was seriously thinking about material I would teach as an English teacher... and Shakespeare is one of them of course... haha but I'd make it fun like my teachers did in HS. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

"Good morning, Ms. Espiritu" ---haha so werid. But just as long as they're not like, "Ey, miss..." that's annoying.

I'm also getting a little nervous about becoming a teacher, but that's why this blog is titled, Relax... because I really need to do that more!

Even better,

because I keep praying. Because I keep trying. Because I don't give up. I'm flawed, I know that, but that's what makes me who I am. It doesn't mean I don't try to fix it, because, I do. Everyday I try to be a better person than I was yesterday, and it doesn't always work that way, but with the help of God... I can do anything :]

I believe in always hoping, wishing, and praying for the best. And just knowing that God will take care of you as long as you trust in Him. How can He give you what you truly want if you don't trust in Him?

I'm really happy with where my life is taking me, and I'm definitely looking forward to a bright future. I know what I want in life, and I've known for a while. It was just a matter of time and PATIENCE before it was revealed to me whether it would be the right direction or not.

I'm called to be a teacher, but not for a long time. Because soon after, I might be a mother. Or a counselor, whichever comes first. I'm sure being a mother will come first though. Because it'll take me a while to get my masters... haha.

I know where I want to be. And you know where I want to be. And it's all because of God.

Practice,

patience, resisting temptation, anger management.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I need to do that sometimes. It's amazing how irritable I've been lately. I guess it's because I'm under a lot of stress and I've been going through a rough time. I don't really like to talk about it either. I keep it in... so it makes me even more irritable! I try. I'm still human. I'm very impatient... But that one I need to practice most.

Oh and I should stop procrastinating... I really should.


One more thing... God, is that a yes or a no? Hah, who am I kidding.

Forgotten,

a little emo, maybe?
I'm suck at home not feeling too good. So I'll just blog a little.

I feel like I'm being pulled along on a string. Possibly being played, maybe not intentionally but it's what it feels like. Idk why I feel like this. I had a talk with a friend last night, and he said that there's nothing wrong with the way I'm feeling, because sometimes that's what it even looks like from the outside. I'm not sure if it's my fault to feel this way, but I'm very self conscious and have a low self-esteem sometimes. That's something that definitely needs to change. That's something I'm working on with God. I hate feeling like I'm a burden or an annoyance to other people, and that's what it feels like sometimes...

Is that how you see me? You can't get mad at me for feeling that way, especially because no offence, but you make it seem that way. I don't think it's an intentional thing, but it's nice to be thought of. That is, if I AM something "special".

Going for another run, even though I have a headache.

Unsatisfied,

why is it that I never feel completely satisfied? Like, a part of me is yearning for more? Well, I can tell you why...

and it's because...

well...

I guess I'll never fully understand it. But wanting more from life makes me want to LIVE MY LIFE. To really live it and not let a day pass me by. To strive for better and hope for the best. To get what I deserve... whatever it is God wants me to have.

Gotta let it go, and give it to God... for He already knows what is deep within my heart. I trust Him with it :)

But of course, as a human, I'll never be completely satisfied... and really, I'm okay. It makes life worth living... because if I had everything... how boring would that be?

Let's groove,

I'm working on it. You know, that patience thing. Haha... Gotta remember when times get tough... to stay calm and turn to God. I'm really excited for what this year will bring. I don't know what's ahead, but I do know that everything is playing out in His plan for me... God is so awesome! I'm really trying to keep my head up and not let the LITTLE THINGS bother me like I do... but sometimes it's real hard for me. Especially when it comes to how others feel about me... like whether I'm hurting them or not. Idk, just trying to better myself in all aspects. I have a couple of teachings I should work on, but I'll save that for later tonight because I gotta continue cleaning my room before it's dark out. Anyway, that's all for now!

Changes --

need to happen with my lifestyle.

If I'm going to Spain in 2011, I need to save a whole lot better.
If I'm going to pay for my summer classes, I DEFINITELY need to save better.

Of course, I'll still go out and have fun, but that means I can't SPEND so much while going out. Instead of going to the theaters (unless it's a MUST-see), movie nights at home!
Instead of always eating out, home-cooked meals! I'll be home a lot more since I'm not working at Price Busters.
Allow more hours for babysitting... which helps with the going out on Friday nights...
Stop buying random things... like clothes, do I really need more than I have? Outfit repeater! Haha jk. Gotta cut down on it all...
Can't use my NEX card for anything else but gas... with the exception of buying stuff for my mom or when I get my sunglasses prescribed hehe.
Use cash instead of my card... because that means I'll pay it back anyway... plus interest. And this is a better way of keeping track and I hate using cash so it helps!
Work out so I can eat whatever the heck I want! Haha
Fix my sleeping habits. I know, I say it all the time...
Go to the chapel more often.
Quit procrastinating.
Do better in school. I need to stop wasting my time there... or else it's the air force for sure.
Clean my stinken room. Ha!

Idk, there's a lot more I need to change... but I'll figure it out as I go.