It's not like that.

I think you might have expected me to wait. But for how long? A girl wants to know that she's loved and will be taken care of. When I saw you, for once... I finally felt nothing. I didn't feel tingly inside like I used to. I didn't feel nervous. I still care about you, but as a friend. I know what you're going through--well, just with what you've told me. So you should know that you always have me here to help you out. I can't be your back up plan or whatever. You weren't the only one afraid...

With You

I am not the type of girl who would up and leave.
I am not the one who would cheat on you.
I am not the one who will hurt you intentionally.
I am faithful, willing, able, loving...
and I know this.
Because it's something most guys take for granted.
There is only one part of me I cannot give, and for a good reason.

I am actually coming out to say it... kind of...

I like you. And I know if you ever found out, you'd think it was stupid. But you can't help who you have feelings for. You are different. Not the type I usually go for... Sucks that you are leaving. But I would still be here... friend or more than. I'm here, ok?

I hope you never see this.

My heart on loneliness.

Damn. That's the only work I can think of to describe the way I feel. It isn't a good "damn" not is it a bad one... I just can't explain it.

I feel so lonely inside. Like, my heart wants to explode because it contains all this love with no one to share it with. I want to be with the person God destined me to be with so that I can just share all of what I am keeping within. I feel so stupid... seems like I'm waiting around, but I'm not. Not intentionally, at least. I just want to share my heart with someone who won't fuck me up like all the others have.

That's not a lot to ask for. What the hell am I doing here?

Fuck Vulnerability

I hate being walked on. I hate being so damn nice. I hate doing things for others and thinking about them before myself. It's time for a change. Call me selfish, but if you got hurt all the damn time like I have, you'd understand.

I'm not fighting for no one anymore. I'm fighting for myself. For the protection of my own heart. I'm sick of hurting all the damn time and wishing for something that isn't coming my way.

Don't say things to me to get me to trust you just so you can fuck me over like everyone else. Say it. Mean it. Do something about it.

In this world, it seems as if you can't trust anyone. Not even yourself.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were just like those girls who give the guys every damn thing they want without a care in the world. The one's who give themselves to feel "loved" when the boys only want one thing...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I am glad I am not. Fuck that. Ask me why I won't give myself to anyone so easily? Because I know they don't love me. And they can play the part as much as they want... whatever. Yes, I need to feel loved and I love when people know how to show me they care. I have high affection needs. I love being loved, but not at the risk of my morals, you know? I don't get how some girls can just do that...

I am not like those girls who would go and just break your heart 'cause I feel like it. Break up with you because you make a little mistake or because I am scared of my feelings. Although, I may be scared... I talk about it and eventually embrace my feelings. But what do I get when I finally give in to the way I feel? Dumped. It's a fucken trend in my life.

I could vent for days about how my life sucks and blah blah, but I won't. Know why? Because the dramas and things that happen... I can get over it. Eventually at least. I mean, I like to talk about things, but... damn I don't even know what I am saying.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just be with that one person and get it over with already. I'm tired of it. I want to be with someone who WANTS TO BE WITH ME TOO.

Thank you, come again.

Beyond Reality

That's what it feels like sometimes. My days go by so fast as if they were a dream. Who knows, maybe there were...

Seeing my old friends from High School was nice. My friend's mom's old HS classmates came down to Hawai'i from the Philippines for a class reunion. That was pretty cool. I want to be able to do that years and years from now. Seeing old faces. Reminiscing on the good times.

High school feels like a dream. FOUR YEARS went by. I don't where all the time went. If I could do HS again, I would, but I'd probably work harder and spend more time with my friends because my once-close group drifted. What happened? Most would agree that it was "boyfriends", others might say we just all changed. I think it's both.

Sometimes I wish I could get that one friendship back to where it once was. God knows I am stubborn. And so is she. Who will be the first to apologize? Ha...

And death... it's inevitable. I won't go into it. Because I want to see everyone's faces at the 10 year reunion...

I'm tired.

No Air

Never mind the words of the song by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown... it's the way it makes me feel. This is how I feel about...(let's call him BABY)... BABY. Haha that's funny. But if you watched This Christmas, you'd understand. For the sake of my privacy, I'll leave his name out, but if you know me, you'dve heard of him by now. He is NOT my boyfriend, nor do we really have something going on, but even with out that, he makes me feel so loved and cared for and for once I feel that I can give myself to someone and I can be vulnerable, but I don't have to fear him breaking it. I feel that we can connect but there is no pressure of having to feel a certain way towards each other. It is too good to be true, because if it were perfect, we'd both feel attracted in that sense, but I don't even know how to explain. Things happen quick, but I feel our friendship growing into a deeper friendship. Neither of us know where the road is going, but it doesn't matter. I am completely fine where we are because my heart is not whole. A piece of me is still with someone who can't give me what I want, and I am okay with that.

God is beautiful and is quite comedic, for this is amazing and quite funny at the same time. He has a plan though, and I am trusting it. With my whole heart. If this isn't it, there is something better. And I am glad to know that God is behind all of this.