Philia (pt. 2)

There just has been so much misunderstanding for the last five years. But yet... after all this time, we still get each other. The bitterness, the kind of fake happiness back... we can laugh about it. And we can know that everything can be a lot better. It was realizing that we needed to get over ourselves to give us the push. That and some stupid guy who said he did nothing, but in reality... God used him to help us. I always knew that I had to fix my relationships with others before I could have anything with anyone else. I'm still on my way to making myself a better person. I'm still growing in my faith. This is a continuous journey... to walk with God. And it is so worth it because of all the blessings He has given me. I'm truly thankful for my friends.

And now to work it out with my family.

Words left unsaid

Writing down how I feel is a heck of a lot easier than saying it! I realize even more now that I have a hard time saying what I really feel when its face to face, but what am I so afraid of? Writing it all down makes it even more solid like signing a contract, so it should be harder for me!

God has a way of messing with your mind. In a good way! Haha... He was messing with my iTunes. As I was thinking about things I could/should/would have said, LOVE ME comes on and I'm thinking, wow, you really know how to get to someone, huh? And I'm sure He was just smiling down at me. Being able to write isn't such a bad thing. Because you can EDIT. In other words, you have a lot more time to think about what you're going to say. If you know me well enough, you know that sometimes I don't think before I speak... so writing helps me lots. It gives me time to organize my thoughts and breathe...

Speaking of breathing, there are things you do that make it hard to do so.

I was quite satisfied with Twilight as a movie, but the book still totally owns. Edward and Bella... *sigh... And now back to reality! Life doesn't happen like the movies... good thing too. It would just be so boring. But hey, there are somethings that would be nice...

Wow, I'm all over the place again. I knew what I was going to say and everything, but iTunes is just killing me. God really knows how to get to me... If you only knew...

"I love the way you look when you sleep. It fascinates me." That's not real >.<

"Completely Happy"

Is a pretty damn big standard to live up to, don't you think? I can't do anything else, but laugh at everything that is happening around me. Why in the world should you be so over protective of someone who is not your possession? Four people. There are four people who would be most against this. Two against me, two against you. But in all honesty, I could care less what other people think. Because it's what God says and thinks that matters to me. And so far... He's just kind of been laughing as well.

So... moving on... I'm feeling a little off today. I'd prefer not to be in class or go to work. It might be because of how excited I am to finally watch Twilight :] Everyone's asking what is the big deal about this book/movie, but you need to figure it out for yourself, and if you find it's nothing big then that's you. I was just so intrigued by the author's writing style and her perspective on this young unconditional love between teenagers (don't think of the fact that one is a vampire). I've always been a hopeless romantic even though I openly hate but secretly love "gay moments". There's just a lot to me that not a lot of people know about, and that's just fine with me! But Twilight is nothing comparable to Harry Potter (because HP owns!), it's just awesome in it's own genre. To find a love like Edward and Bella would be magical (haha). And that is probably definitely hard to find unless you both have your relationship GOD-CENTERED. I believe this. If God is your foundation, then you both will be fine. I'm not saying it will be a breeze, but it will definitely be a lot stronger. And through God, you might be able to make each other "completely happy". Ha! I crack myself up. But I'm totally serious.

Wow this blog is all over the place, but that's where my mind is right now. I think that's why I can't be in class--there's just too much thinking involved and my brain is already on overdrive. At work, I have a lot of time to think AND work hard (or so it seems!). But whatever... I've got like so many hours to kill right now so it's best that I put my thoughts on paper... or blogspot. Whatever. I don't think anyone really reads my stuff anyway, so I guess that's good :P

What should my next pointless blog be about, you think?

There's nothing I want more...

Than for you to be happy and figure out where God is leading you. Regardless of what the outcome is... there is a reason for it. I trust God so much... and I know I say that a lot, but it's because it is true. Yes, I am scared... because I am human. But there is something greater than us behind this.

My wall is down, and I don't regret it at all.

Second Best

There was a point today when I was praying in the chapel that I realized how many times I've been "second best" or "so close, BUT..." or even the "best friend that's a girl". It's been this way in multiple situations. I just wasn't IT. I've had many people I considered my best friend that always had someone in front of me as their best friend. And it sucks to have felt that way. Like, I'm so close to what someone looks for, yet still not close enough. So while I was praying, I had to ask God, why? And you know what He told me?

I'm being selfish. Haha... that and that it isn't always true. Although I wasn't my candidates first pick... she picked ME. And yes there was a situation where she had to chose, but I was chosen in that situation. And I love her to death. It's complicated and I could be negative and say I was second best, but whatever... she's with me :] Haha that sounds so silly.

But anyway, this blog was a little pointless, but I had to reassure myself that it's not whether I'm second best or whatever... there will be people who see me for who I really am and will be happy with their decision... well, at least I hope so. I don't know. This blog has probably confused you a little, but that's okay. I know what I'm talking about.

Breaking Point

I should break right about now. I should be crying myself to sleep. I should give up and lose hope. I should do all these things, but I won't. Because I am a lot stronger than I think I am. And now that I look at the big picture, I'm not unhappy. I'm still so thankful for everything I have and everything I am going through. I'm not upset with my life. I'm just living every day and taking everything for what it is.

So what's the problem?

I'm building a wall. And it's growing at a constant rate. Although, I'm not too sure how strong this wall is, and what it's breaking point is. I could possibly let it fall before my eyes. Or turn away while it's at it's strongest. And I wonder, if I turn away... how will the person on the other end feel? I could never do that to someone. At least, I don't think I could.

Is this really a big problem?

No, it's not. Because no matter what the outcome of these events turn out to be... I know God has this ongoing and growing plan for me. I don't doubt that. I know that He wants me to keep living... and keep living for Him.

I've given Him my heart. I put all my trust in Him. So maybe this wall is kind of pointless... but then again, I'm not wrong for trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

My heart's racing

and dropped like what feels like down a black hole. Haha. Sound dramatic, eh? I can't believe my eyes right now. I feel like crying for no reason. Or no good reason. It's quite a stupid reason. And it's something with how much I trust God... what would I do without you?

I can't believe I am thinking about this. I can't believe it. I can't believe tears are actually falling down my face. I'm not depressed, readers. I promise you. Just a little... shocked. Scared. I actually feel like laughing. I am okay. Just doing a lot of thinking...

I can't believe how my heart feels right now. What the heck?