Love is Patient. pt 2

Unfortunately, I have my days where I question many of the things that I do. I need to vent... but I have no where else to go... so then, I blog. The last one wasn't just about one person... it was about my family as well. A lot of times I feel like I am just a body in this house. The one you take your anger out on... that's what I go through. I'm the youngest, shouldn't I be getting spoiled or something? Nope! I'm a punching bag for words. People wonder why I need to be heard all the time... because I'm never heard anywhere else.

But yet, through all the pain I have to feel... I am still patient in love. I used to see it as my downfall, but it really is my strength. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, though. Because when you love... you are made vulnerable. But then again, that's the only bad part about love... I give my heart and my all... and I should never expect anything in return, but sometimes its hard because you receive nothing in return... that's how I feel at home. People wonder why I hate being at home... I really do have a hard time with my family... and that's something I have a hard time talking about...

I am unhappy a lot of times... but at the same time, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I love everyone and everything in my life.

I need to practice patience... and my life is a great example of how to be patient... and to love unconditionally.

Unhappy?

Why is it that when you have something that you KNOW is a great thing in your life, you always end up taking it for granted? Or act as if it will always be there? And then once it starts to slip away, you realize how important it is, so you do whatever it takes to get it back... so once you have it again, you start to take it for granted.

I know that I can get like this, but nowadays, I would rather appreciate every little detail in my life. I especially get scared when I think about losing people so I constantly like to remind them of how much they mean to me.

But yet, I still feel like I'm being taken for granted. Like I'm just in existence as a part of furniture. Just to be there. I don't feel important in people's lives although they may say that I am. I'm not saying that I need to know every second that I'm cared about, but at the same time... I feel like I'm just... there.

And I trust words so easily... you wouldn't even need to beg to get me back...

I think I purposely hurt myself so that you don't need to do it later.

And the title of this blog? Yes, I am unhappy. Still stuck in that same position... trying to figure myself out, wanting to move on with my life... but knowing that I can't. But maybe you wouldn't care anyway. What am I waiting for? Sometimes I feel like even as a friend I am taken for granted... I don't know how to feel sometimes. I hurt so much knowing the truth... but yet all I can do is love. Because that's what Jesus wants me to do.

LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

I love you... unconditionally. And it's not fair. But nothing in life ever is...

Holy Week

What a challenge this has been, but guess what? I've grown A LOT. Every struggle I have been through, I turned it around so that I could grow from it. I have to remember everyday that I am blessed. Spoiled rotten with the love of God.

...I seriously just went blank while trying to think of my week, and what to say about it. I can't even describe it.

All I know is that I'll keep praying, and keep striving to be a better person. As for my discerning of to stay or go... we'll just see where the road takes me, one day at a time.

EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Everything.

Celebrate, for He is risen. :]

I love my God.

Wake Up

This is reality. I can't keep my head in the world I've created for myself. The world of perfection. The world without pain. And guess what? I definitely asked for it. I see it clearly. This seems so perfect, I wonder when the hurt will come in? Why did I so stupidly ask for it. I'm not angry, I'm amused with the way God works. I love God so much that I just know I need to trust Him and not worry the way I do. I'm already blessed with so much so I should just continue to know and realize what is good in my life. I'm serving, for one. And I love it so much.

I had a great talk with a good friend. I feel relieved because I've been wanting to speak with her for so long. And I'm glad she felt exactly the same.

Also, I had a great talk with Jesus during adoration. He spoke to me while I read the meditation during Life Teen's session. I was thinking, how ironic that I need to read THIS one out of the three that were read. I almost cried while reading because He was talking to me while I was speaking for Him.

"You're free", says Angela when I hugged her after I was done with my adoration. She says it because she was wondering why I was crying and I had a hard time explaining the reason. And I agree. I am free. I am most definitely free.

No person can hold me back from loving my God will all my heart. He is the only one who deserves it anyway. Any other person who wants in really needs to work. Because I am done proving myself. Although I may not have been trying... I am done proving myself to others. The only one that I need to be something for is God.

The friend that I had a great talk with deserves great thanks. Thank you for caring about me this whole time. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for telling me that it's okay to love and be hurt; because that's part of it all. That's the risk I have to take sometimes. It sucks, but it still happens... now do I sit around and wait, or do I leave?

That's something I'm discerning with God.

If you want something, work for it and work HARD for it. But only work as hard as you feel that it is worth giving time for. Make sense?

I think I gave enough... I think I gave too much...

But what I have learned... it's never a bad thing to love. To wake up and know that you love someone... and to know they still love you...

This Road

There are so many things I really want to write about right now, but everything I want to say won't come out the way I want them to. My mind is completely messed up right now. Here I am, waiting for my next class to begin... writing on my blogspot. I want to talk about lying, taking people for granted, fear, indecisiveness, and more. Seems like it's all negative right? I think that's where my mind is pulling me right now... I'm not depressed, like I've mentioned countless times in other blogs... it's just that I think a lot. Probably too much for my own good. Sometimes I over think and forget to take action.

I need to vent about this one thing though... my LIFE and the way the road seems to be taking me. I'm a little unstable now. I'm not allowed to complete my history class because the days I was absent due to my sickness, were important days. Some luck, right? That means, if I can't find a way to drop it... I'll be getting an F. My GPA will be shot again. I can't just blame my sickness though... I'm stressed and I'm discouraged so I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of going to school... But I have to finish it in order to go the path I wish to go.

But now I'm thinking, what if it's not where God wants me to be right now? I'm trying to work hard and finish everything so quick, but what if He's telling me that it's okay to take my time? That's honestly starting to sound like a really good idea, but I am so behind in getting my degree... I should work more though so that I can be able to pay my bills and pay for school on my own.

Maybe my other Professor is right. I should take a break this summer and just try to figure everything out. So much for graduating with my AAT in Spring 2010... I'll be okay. I think.

When problems arise, know that God is by your side.

Sick of it.

I am so tired of being sick. Seriously. I have no idea what is wrong with me! I have been getting a lot of rest lately, much more than I usually do. Yet this cough hasn't left my body. I've been sick for over a month already. I've had a fever within this time as well. And just recently, I've been having stomach problems as well. I need to go to the doctor again, but I can't risk missing any more classes, so I'm thinking if the stomach pains persist, I'll make an appointment for Thursday when I don't have class and since I'm not yet scheduled to work.

This sickness is taking its toll on me... I was sick on the day of the Journey concert and almost didn't go. I'm sick again today and I have to babysit. Tomorrow I was planning on attending Mass in Kailua in the morning but I'm not sure I'll be able to drive so far on my own and then be able to sit through the 5pm Mass at OLPH.

Please pray that whatever is wrong with me isn't serious. It's bringing me down a bit, but I can't let it take control of my life.

Silence

Sometimes we need that.

But silence for two years is not easy. I finally did get the courage to message my friend that I needed to mend things with and to my surprise, she was just as scared as I was. I'm glad I broke the silence.

Silence for roughly five days. HA! I have to admit, it's a bit weird. But at the same time, I only feel like I've spoken to him yesterday. It sucks to also admit that I actually miss him... And it sucks to wonder if he actually misses me while he's having tons of fun with his family in California.

Silence.

I hate silence, really. I can't sit in complete silence because there's this stupid loud buzzing sound that begins. Silence is never really truly quiet and peaceful. It kind of hurts a bit. Both kinds of silence...

I do, however, need to spend more time in this nature. Because I need to listen to God. And not tell Him what I'd like to hear.