This Road

There are so many things I really want to write about right now, but everything I want to say won't come out the way I want them to. My mind is completely messed up right now. Here I am, waiting for my next class to begin... writing on my blogspot. I want to talk about lying, taking people for granted, fear, indecisiveness, and more. Seems like it's all negative right? I think that's where my mind is pulling me right now... I'm not depressed, like I've mentioned countless times in other blogs... it's just that I think a lot. Probably too much for my own good. Sometimes I over think and forget to take action.

I need to vent about this one thing though... my LIFE and the way the road seems to be taking me. I'm a little unstable now. I'm not allowed to complete my history class because the days I was absent due to my sickness, were important days. Some luck, right? That means, if I can't find a way to drop it... I'll be getting an F. My GPA will be shot again. I can't just blame my sickness though... I'm stressed and I'm discouraged so I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of going to school... But I have to finish it in order to go the path I wish to go.

But now I'm thinking, what if it's not where God wants me to be right now? I'm trying to work hard and finish everything so quick, but what if He's telling me that it's okay to take my time? That's honestly starting to sound like a really good idea, but I am so behind in getting my degree... I should work more though so that I can be able to pay my bills and pay for school on my own.

Maybe my other Professor is right. I should take a break this summer and just try to figure everything out. So much for graduating with my AAT in Spring 2010... I'll be okay. I think.

When problems arise, know that God is by your side.

Sick of it.

I am so tired of being sick. Seriously. I have no idea what is wrong with me! I have been getting a lot of rest lately, much more than I usually do. Yet this cough hasn't left my body. I've been sick for over a month already. I've had a fever within this time as well. And just recently, I've been having stomach problems as well. I need to go to the doctor again, but I can't risk missing any more classes, so I'm thinking if the stomach pains persist, I'll make an appointment for Thursday when I don't have class and since I'm not yet scheduled to work.

This sickness is taking its toll on me... I was sick on the day of the Journey concert and almost didn't go. I'm sick again today and I have to babysit. Tomorrow I was planning on attending Mass in Kailua in the morning but I'm not sure I'll be able to drive so far on my own and then be able to sit through the 5pm Mass at OLPH.

Please pray that whatever is wrong with me isn't serious. It's bringing me down a bit, but I can't let it take control of my life.

Silence

Sometimes we need that.

But silence for two years is not easy. I finally did get the courage to message my friend that I needed to mend things with and to my surprise, she was just as scared as I was. I'm glad I broke the silence.

Silence for roughly five days. HA! I have to admit, it's a bit weird. But at the same time, I only feel like I've spoken to him yesterday. It sucks to also admit that I actually miss him... And it sucks to wonder if he actually misses me while he's having tons of fun with his family in California.

Silence.

I hate silence, really. I can't sit in complete silence because there's this stupid loud buzzing sound that begins. Silence is never really truly quiet and peaceful. It kind of hurts a bit. Both kinds of silence...

I do, however, need to spend more time in this nature. Because I need to listen to God. And not tell Him what I'd like to hear.

Growth

Am I completely open to letting God in? Most of the time, yes. But sometimes... I admit I don't want to change my ways. He keeps calling me to fight off the sinfulness of myself, but there are times when I'm like, "later".

Tonight, I felt a call. I pushed Him away again, and yet He said that He was not done with me and called me back. I was asked to attend reconciliation tonight, and I said no. I said no because I didn't feel ready to confess to my sins. I didn't want to change myself today. I was being selfish. It was too late when I realized I should have gone, so I decided just to drive. I wasn't ready to go home. As I was driving, something was telling me to drive into Pearl City and go to Our Lady of Good Counsel. I was thinking, "what could possibly be there? It's seven-thirty and everything is probably done anyway." But I just kept driving. When I got to there, mass was in service and I was late. I was a bit scared to go in, but I just went with it. They were just done singing the responsorial psalm when I got in so I was glad I wasn't too late. And then time went by and Father was giving this really really long homily (longer than Father Jim, might I add). I was wondering when it would end until... I decided to really listen. He was talking about the Gifts of the Spirit and growth and love... it was long and my restlessness wanted to leave but hello, it was mass, I knew I needed to stay. Something kept on tugging at me saying I shouldn't leave. Fast forward to giving peace... one person walked over to me from the front welcoming me with a hug and not too long after someone else walked over to me and hugged me as well... Except she didn't let go. And she whispered, "He wants you to know that He's so happy you're here and that He loves you and wants you to praise Him. So praise Him... just praise Him," and she kept holding me for a bit while saying that and I started to tear up. God really wanted me there... After mass was the renewal of our baptismal vows and annointing of the Holy Spirit... that's why He called me there. He wanted me to really open my heart to Him... again and again. Tears kept on falling from my eyes, but I couldn't help but smile.

I am loved. Even though I am a sinner. This was just the first step in the next part of my growth with God. I need to continue to remind myself to stay open to GOD and fight the temptation of evil... I am not perfect. I definitely struggle, but it's all a part of my journey. I am growing and continuously filling myself... this will never stop. God's love never stops.

TRUST-- why don't I trust you?

I've been seeing and hearing that word so much lately. And every time I do, I hear that question that the teens were asked at the retreat, "why don't you trust me?" The thing is... it's not that I don't trust God, it's that I have a hard time trusting others.

The scripture that Landon and I used for our palanka to the teens was about trust. How could I not see that so evidently on Wednesday night? Why didn't I see how that word would come up so often from thereafter? Friday was pretty much a blur. No clear sign of that word appeared... it was Saturday morning. Even after the meeting we had when she discussed her session, it never stuck out to me... until now. Her session was on being empty and it posed that question above... During the teen's testimonies, a lot of them brought that question up as well. It was during that time I realized even more that I have a trust issue, but it's not necesarilly with God. I also realized the things I really don't like about myself... And then Sunday evening after it was all over, Alex and I had a very good talk... and that word was one of the biggest things.

The drive home was even more weird. I was listening to 95.5 The Fish and the DJ started to pray over the radio. He was praying that we may all be able to TRUST in God's plan and whatnot. And the next song was about trusting God... and that word just keeps following me everywhere.

I trust You, Lord. I get it. And I know now more than ever that trusting YOU doesn't mean only YOU, but it's those around me... I trust that they are all part of God's plan for me and even if they hurt me, it doesn't mean I shouldn't trust them... it's that those things are part of my growth in faith.

I do have a hard time trusting others. Yes, it's mostly because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I do know, however, that there are certain people I can trust with ceratin things, and I'm very greatful for that. Also, there is one person I've trusted with way too much that I think their cup is over flowing with parts of me. Ha. I'm not so scared of being vulnerable anymore... Like Anvie said, we shouldn't be scared of being vulnerable. I love God so very much, and I know that I'm just growing, not falling.

I think I have more, but it'll come later. I'm too tired right now.

Figuring it out...

Okay fine. I am not joining the military. And it's not for any person's sake but my own. I can't come to terms with ever truly leaving this place and all the relationships that have been built. Every single one of them. Yes, I'd still love to get away from everything for a bit, but that's all I really want. I'm not waiting around anymore, that's what I've decided. I'm letting my heart and my God take me where He needs me to be. ANd as of right now, its to continue loving. That's something I can't stop. I'm not sorry as much as I apologize. I need to be patient regardless, but I'm not waiting and there's a difference.

This is the story of my heart and it's longing for more. I've been told several times this week that I don't look my age not because of my appearance, but because of the way I carry myself. I am only nineteen years old, but I feel a lot older. Possibly twenty-five. I'm not sure. Maybe even older.

My struggles have been getting a lot harder, but you know what? It's because I haven't been trusting God as much as I should. I've been doing very good with that until it started to fade just a little, and that little opening that I gave, caused the temptation and evil to break through and try to hold me down. I am not letting that happen. No matter how much I am tested, I cannot falter. I have my God and He is so much greater than any evil out there that wants to break me down. I love my God. Always have and always will. I just need to gain that trust back again.

I'm also sorry to those who have seen the difficult side of me and have had to deal with it. You deserve none of that and I am trying to change myself, not just for you, but for God because I'm not meant to be that person. I am meant to love and that's what I'll continue to do. Even if I do get hurt. You're right. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Nothing at all.

Going back to waiting... I'm not. I'll tell you that much. But this is still a time for me to be patient because nothing has changed for me. I still know where I stand with what I feel.

God is amazing.

Love is Patient.

That's the one I need to practice the most. I have to admit I've been doing well, but things have gotten a lot more complicated and frustrating that it makes it harder, but I can handle. I'm good. I promise... I just needed that vent. I didn't mean for it to 'cause you to think. But if this helps you in whatever way it does, then I'm glad. I'm always here.

Speaking of patience... I can't wait until I go to Vegas in the summer! Free trip and hotel baby! :] And I get paid to go! Why? Because it's part of my job! How exciting :] I love being a "teacher" hehe.

There's not much I have to say, but this Lenten season, I should really practice my patience... especially since I'm getting tested a lot.

Something more...

what is it? I can't figure it out. It feels like something is missing... or like I'm always just waiting for something. I'm not quite sure what it is. My life is on repeat. I need something different. I want to get a way for a bit. My trip to Kauai will be perfect... that is, if i am able to go. If I get to go on that retreat... it would be awesome. If not, I still want to go. Hopefully for as long as I can. I need some time away. Alone would be good, but that's not gonna be possible if I stay with my friend... which I definitely don't mind because I miss her and her baby.

Sometimes I really do think about the military still because it would be great to gain my own independence and so I can just do things on my own. But then again, if I join, that means a lonely life. That's definitely not what I want, but compared to my life down here... I don't know. I can't really give up this current routine to live a life with more routine. The only change would be the scenery and people. I love the people here... I just... crave something more.

What am I waiting for, really? What is it? What is the something missing that I can't find? I'm getting more frustrated by the minute.

And now YOU'RE a teacher, right??

Haha, this was just the cutest thing. Today I was in four different classes. First Pre-School 1, which consists of 2 year olds... then I was in the infant room with.. you know, infants. Haha that was boring! Haha nah, it was okay, they just don't do much but cry and poop and eat... gah. Anyway, I went in the 1 year old class for a little bit while they were sleeping and so my sister could go for lunch, and finally after my lunch, I went into the Pre-K class. Four year olds. One year away from Kindergarten. They talk a lot. Haha. So anyway, while I was in that class, the teacher starts calling out everyone's names and the kids would have to shout out that person's last name and finally it got back to her, and the kids shouted her last name (Davenport) and I was like, "cool, that was pre-school teacher's name!" and the kid next to me goes, "and now you're a teacher, right?"

This isn't meant to be a funny blog. It's not some kind of joke... I just felt... happy to hear that... I'm only a substitute at the pre-school, but they call me Teacher sometimes... you know, when they aren't saying "Miss!" or "Auntie!" haha. It's really cute to hear that. I am going to be a teacher and I get so much more excited everyday! For right now, I'm with little kids, and I honestly think this is to help me with patience and compassion... and I guess to practice with 'em cuz according to Alex I'm supposed to have four kids? Haha idk whatever. That's later, but I love these kids... even the ones who annoy me. It'll be a real different experience when I end up teaching High School but can you imagine me saying "My pre-schoolers listened better than you!" haha so funny.

I really like working there. I have like so many different names there because there's another Sarah... so I get called Sarah Marie, Sarah M, Marie, Sami, Miss, Auntie, Teacher... I don't like when the other teachers say "Miss" in every sentence when they talk to you... haha. It gets kind of irking but whatever. Mickey calls me Marie because that's part of her name as well. Her real name is Amanda Marie, but everyone calls her Mickey. A lot of people call me Sarah Marie and that's kind of weird to hear haha cuz only Jayne (my best friend from high school) would call me that. O'a calls me Sami cuz it was one of my old nicknames. Sometimes people say Sarah M... I don't necessarily like that... haha. Idk too many names. It's a lot easier to go "EH!" Haha ew. Ok... maybe not.

Anyway, that's my life at work so far. There's lots of drama but I stay away from it while my sister tells me what's going on. So I know, but I don't fall into it. So high school that's why. Like, seriously. Get over it. That's what happens when you work with a bunch of females. Something's bound to go down.

More later.