Figuring it out...

Okay fine. I am not joining the military. And it's not for any person's sake but my own. I can't come to terms with ever truly leaving this place and all the relationships that have been built. Every single one of them. Yes, I'd still love to get away from everything for a bit, but that's all I really want. I'm not waiting around anymore, that's what I've decided. I'm letting my heart and my God take me where He needs me to be. ANd as of right now, its to continue loving. That's something I can't stop. I'm not sorry as much as I apologize. I need to be patient regardless, but I'm not waiting and there's a difference.

This is the story of my heart and it's longing for more. I've been told several times this week that I don't look my age not because of my appearance, but because of the way I carry myself. I am only nineteen years old, but I feel a lot older. Possibly twenty-five. I'm not sure. Maybe even older.

My struggles have been getting a lot harder, but you know what? It's because I haven't been trusting God as much as I should. I've been doing very good with that until it started to fade just a little, and that little opening that I gave, caused the temptation and evil to break through and try to hold me down. I am not letting that happen. No matter how much I am tested, I cannot falter. I have my God and He is so much greater than any evil out there that wants to break me down. I love my God. Always have and always will. I just need to gain that trust back again.

I'm also sorry to those who have seen the difficult side of me and have had to deal with it. You deserve none of that and I am trying to change myself, not just for you, but for God because I'm not meant to be that person. I am meant to love and that's what I'll continue to do. Even if I do get hurt. You're right. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Nothing at all.

Going back to waiting... I'm not. I'll tell you that much. But this is still a time for me to be patient because nothing has changed for me. I still know where I stand with what I feel.

God is amazing.