Like a drum

If you could watch it on a monitor, I'm sure you'd all be laughing too. I can honestly say that no one has ever done that to me before.

Yeah, God's still laughing at me.

It's stupid and pathetic and makes me seem like a fool and a lot more vulnerable. But guess what? I'm not scared.

In the words of my sponsor, "you need to stop denying it already." I hate him. He knows me too well.

Oh and back to God laughing at me... TAFFETA WHITE?! I can't believe that's the color of that dress...

And by the way, I AM relaxed. If you understand what you do to me... if you feel even half of that, then let me be! :]

This blog doesn't satisfy me in length, but I guess I'll post it anyway. It's just what's on my mind. I mean, there's a lot more, but I think people would get lost trying to comprehend my thoughts...

STOP right now, THANK YOU very much

It's five am. Thanksgiving morning. What the heck am I doing up? I am practicing for my Black Friday shift--no joke. But it's also because I fell asleep at Andrea's house again and kind of forgot to home right away. Haha well whatever, the point is... as I was driving home, I was thinking about a blog I read that made me think about what I am thankful for. I am so truly blessed with everyone and everything in my life that it's hard to really bring it all to one short blog, so be prepared to read for days...

First and foremost, I am so thankful that Jesus died for our sins. Otherwise, things would not be the way they are. I am thankful that God does everything that He does for me... that He loves me unconditionally no matter what. Even with all the stupid mistakes that I make... He blesses me anyway. I'm just so in love with that... Just... wow... :] Hard to put into words but I know what I truly feel in my heart.

My family. Our relationships are not where I want them to be, but I am thankful for their continuous love and support anyway. My parents work so hard to this day to provide for our family because no one in this house can seem to take care of themselves! You guys don't know how much I just want to give back to them... I want to pay everything off for them, but unfortunately I can't. Not with the money I don't have! My siblings... it sucks how big our age gap is, but I'm glad they're still apart of my life. My niece and nephews never fail to put a smile on my face, even if all they're doing is sleeping. Weird, yeah? I love watching them sleep... anyway, I'm just so blessed with those three!

Church family... where would I be with out all of you? You have helped me grow with and understand God more than my nine years at OLPH (not that it wasn't good for anything, I was just a little more intrigued).

Angelica... we have gone through some rough times these past five years... and I know every time we got close again, it wasn't the same, but I am hoping that this time around, you know how much I still care about you and want you in my life. I am so thankful for someone who understands me so well and who can just talk to me about anything until the sun comes up. And that we can get fat together and work out together and then eat more together! Haha. I think when the time for your wedding day comes... I'll have to paint myself darker so that I can sing Brian McKnight songs for you... haha. Thank you for accepting me back in your life even though it might have been a little hard and since we're both pretty damn stubborn. We're more than best friends, Ange... we're sisters.

Francis... my sponsor. I am so thankful that you said yes, and I know I already told you this, but you are exactly what I want in a sponsor! Don't ever doubt yourself :] You're the older brother that's closer to my age and understands me a little better. I know I'm a little stubborn, but I'm glad you're able to talk some sense into me when I need it most!

MargieLOVE, my first candidate. I'm so thankful that you eventually chose me as your sponsor. I'm happy that you see something good in me because I know I'm doing something right for once! I hope that you are able to look to me for guidance when you need it... and that I don't scare you with how crazy I can get... but I still think the craziness skips a generation ;] Thank you for being YOU!

Drea, you deserve your own little thank you as well. Thank you for listening to me, and even putting up with me. And for providing a house that I fall asleep at and forget to go home because it's so damn easy to fall asleep at your house. You already know how glad I am that you're in my life. Do you ever think... haha, just kidding. Just thank you for understanding me and never giving up on me.

LB, the DBiest DB ever. Words could not even fathom everything I want to say to you. You are so much more than I ever expected. I want to tell you how much I hate you, but I think I can be a little more clever than that. "I word-greater-than-hate you" doesn't do it at all. I can't believe I went from honestly thinking you were a little weird last year when I first met you--ask Angelica, she reminded me--to being so vulnerable, but safe with you. Thank you, for listening to me when I need to vent. Thank you for driving me because you want to. Thank you for paying for food even if you're broke. Thank you for letting me pay sometimes. Thank you for making me laugh by being yourself. Thank you for frustrating me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for giving me a reason to trust you. Thank you for being so FAKE with me. Thank you for HATING me. Thank you for being my best friend... And most importantly, thank you for helping me get back on track with God. I needed that little push, and you know, Alex was right in saying I came back and it wasn't because of you... but you did help some! Haha, you didn't give up on me. Take it for what it's worth/gay moment ahead (but I'll try not make it so gay because those are even gayer and better in person!) But anyway... I<3You, loser. Gay moment over! :]

There are SO many people I am thankful for and they've all played big roles in my life even if it seemed like a small one, but these people who are mentioned individually are the most recent and really deserve some thanks. If you're not on here, it doesn't mean I am not thankful for you... I am, I promise. Just know you're still all in my hearts and prayers this Thanksgiving Day :] Enjoy your day!

Philia (pt. 2)

There just has been so much misunderstanding for the last five years. But yet... after all this time, we still get each other. The bitterness, the kind of fake happiness back... we can laugh about it. And we can know that everything can be a lot better. It was realizing that we needed to get over ourselves to give us the push. That and some stupid guy who said he did nothing, but in reality... God used him to help us. I always knew that I had to fix my relationships with others before I could have anything with anyone else. I'm still on my way to making myself a better person. I'm still growing in my faith. This is a continuous journey... to walk with God. And it is so worth it because of all the blessings He has given me. I'm truly thankful for my friends.

And now to work it out with my family.

Words left unsaid

Writing down how I feel is a heck of a lot easier than saying it! I realize even more now that I have a hard time saying what I really feel when its face to face, but what am I so afraid of? Writing it all down makes it even more solid like signing a contract, so it should be harder for me!

God has a way of messing with your mind. In a good way! Haha... He was messing with my iTunes. As I was thinking about things I could/should/would have said, LOVE ME comes on and I'm thinking, wow, you really know how to get to someone, huh? And I'm sure He was just smiling down at me. Being able to write isn't such a bad thing. Because you can EDIT. In other words, you have a lot more time to think about what you're going to say. If you know me well enough, you know that sometimes I don't think before I speak... so writing helps me lots. It gives me time to organize my thoughts and breathe...

Speaking of breathing, there are things you do that make it hard to do so.

I was quite satisfied with Twilight as a movie, but the book still totally owns. Edward and Bella... *sigh... And now back to reality! Life doesn't happen like the movies... good thing too. It would just be so boring. But hey, there are somethings that would be nice...

Wow, I'm all over the place again. I knew what I was going to say and everything, but iTunes is just killing me. God really knows how to get to me... If you only knew...

"I love the way you look when you sleep. It fascinates me." That's not real >.<

"Completely Happy"

Is a pretty damn big standard to live up to, don't you think? I can't do anything else, but laugh at everything that is happening around me. Why in the world should you be so over protective of someone who is not your possession? Four people. There are four people who would be most against this. Two against me, two against you. But in all honesty, I could care less what other people think. Because it's what God says and thinks that matters to me. And so far... He's just kind of been laughing as well.

So... moving on... I'm feeling a little off today. I'd prefer not to be in class or go to work. It might be because of how excited I am to finally watch Twilight :] Everyone's asking what is the big deal about this book/movie, but you need to figure it out for yourself, and if you find it's nothing big then that's you. I was just so intrigued by the author's writing style and her perspective on this young unconditional love between teenagers (don't think of the fact that one is a vampire). I've always been a hopeless romantic even though I openly hate but secretly love "gay moments". There's just a lot to me that not a lot of people know about, and that's just fine with me! But Twilight is nothing comparable to Harry Potter (because HP owns!), it's just awesome in it's own genre. To find a love like Edward and Bella would be magical (haha). And that is probably definitely hard to find unless you both have your relationship GOD-CENTERED. I believe this. If God is your foundation, then you both will be fine. I'm not saying it will be a breeze, but it will definitely be a lot stronger. And through God, you might be able to make each other "completely happy". Ha! I crack myself up. But I'm totally serious.

Wow this blog is all over the place, but that's where my mind is right now. I think that's why I can't be in class--there's just too much thinking involved and my brain is already on overdrive. At work, I have a lot of time to think AND work hard (or so it seems!). But whatever... I've got like so many hours to kill right now so it's best that I put my thoughts on paper... or blogspot. Whatever. I don't think anyone really reads my stuff anyway, so I guess that's good :P

What should my next pointless blog be about, you think?

There's nothing I want more...

Than for you to be happy and figure out where God is leading you. Regardless of what the outcome is... there is a reason for it. I trust God so much... and I know I say that a lot, but it's because it is true. Yes, I am scared... because I am human. But there is something greater than us behind this.

My wall is down, and I don't regret it at all.

Second Best

There was a point today when I was praying in the chapel that I realized how many times I've been "second best" or "so close, BUT..." or even the "best friend that's a girl". It's been this way in multiple situations. I just wasn't IT. I've had many people I considered my best friend that always had someone in front of me as their best friend. And it sucks to have felt that way. Like, I'm so close to what someone looks for, yet still not close enough. So while I was praying, I had to ask God, why? And you know what He told me?

I'm being selfish. Haha... that and that it isn't always true. Although I wasn't my candidates first pick... she picked ME. And yes there was a situation where she had to chose, but I was chosen in that situation. And I love her to death. It's complicated and I could be negative and say I was second best, but whatever... she's with me :] Haha that sounds so silly.

But anyway, this blog was a little pointless, but I had to reassure myself that it's not whether I'm second best or whatever... there will be people who see me for who I really am and will be happy with their decision... well, at least I hope so. I don't know. This blog has probably confused you a little, but that's okay. I know what I'm talking about.

Breaking Point

I should break right about now. I should be crying myself to sleep. I should give up and lose hope. I should do all these things, but I won't. Because I am a lot stronger than I think I am. And now that I look at the big picture, I'm not unhappy. I'm still so thankful for everything I have and everything I am going through. I'm not upset with my life. I'm just living every day and taking everything for what it is.

So what's the problem?

I'm building a wall. And it's growing at a constant rate. Although, I'm not too sure how strong this wall is, and what it's breaking point is. I could possibly let it fall before my eyes. Or turn away while it's at it's strongest. And I wonder, if I turn away... how will the person on the other end feel? I could never do that to someone. At least, I don't think I could.

Is this really a big problem?

No, it's not. Because no matter what the outcome of these events turn out to be... I know God has this ongoing and growing plan for me. I don't doubt that. I know that He wants me to keep living... and keep living for Him.

I've given Him my heart. I put all my trust in Him. So maybe this wall is kind of pointless... but then again, I'm not wrong for trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

My heart's racing

and dropped like what feels like down a black hole. Haha. Sound dramatic, eh? I can't believe my eyes right now. I feel like crying for no reason. Or no good reason. It's quite a stupid reason. And it's something with how much I trust God... what would I do without you?

I can't believe I am thinking about this. I can't believe it. I can't believe tears are actually falling down my face. I'm not depressed, readers. I promise you. Just a little... shocked. Scared. I actually feel like laughing. I am okay. Just doing a lot of thinking...

I can't believe how my heart feels right now. What the heck?

Funny how,

I look back at my old blogs and see how much I've grown. I had a swearing problem that was been increasingly been going down since then, thank goodness. I felt things once that make me laugh now. Because I read how vulnerable I was to this one guy... and that makes me laugh because we just STOPPED talking altogether. Every so often, we'd say hi and whatnot, but now I'm thinking, what the heck was that? Yeah, we got super close, but that just stopped... and to be honest, that friendship wasn't even close to what I have with my best friend. YES, I said best friend. (If Andrea is reading this she's probably laughing really hard right now--STOP THINKING WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!) I wish people would just take it for what it is... but I have to admit, the things I hear crack me up. If you don't know what I am talking about, that's okay. Just smile and nod.

Anyway, back to my old blogs... I read them thinking how stupid I was... but I guess that comes with growing up, right? There's still a lot I need to work on. I am not perfect. I'm just really blessed by God :]

Blessing In Disguise.

Now I know the true meaning of it. Even a struggle can be a blessing. How can it not be? When struggles only are here to make us stronger and appreciate everything even more. I may cry and stress about situations, but I still can't completely worry about it. I don't get so worked up over it like I would before. I feel a lot more calmer... and it's all because of how much I am trusting God right now. I am so truly blessed and I feel I'm not even worthy of everything He's giving to me. But I guess He's just letting me know how much He trusts me as well.

More later, I need to get to class.

"Philia"

Seems to get harder and easier at the same time. I know why I was put into that session now. At first, I was thinking, I'm not having a hard time with my friends, so why am I in this one? I think I understand it now. I should have seen it coming. The troubles ahead. I'm doing okay, I promise. It just blows my mind how much DRAMA could fall around me. And some problems aren't my own, yet people love to pull me into it. A close friend of mine told me it's probably so I am able to use my gifts, and I guess that's the reason why. I mean, how many things could possibly happen within a week? WAY too many. I feel like I'm still in High School. That's how bad this has become. I'm not sure who I can trust sometimes. Yes, you all may say "You can trust me!", but can I really trust you when everything falls apart? How many are left standing beside me? I've had trust issues for a really long time now and I have to say there are probably less than five people I can truly trust with all my heart. They know who they are... I hope.

Going back to being pulled into the drama... get your facts straight BEFORE you decide to judge. What the heck am I supposed to do about it when you coming running to me looking from the outside on someone else's business that's not my own? I've had this happen twice already this past week. Of course I am going to defend them, because I KNOW them. I know who they are. The other two I may not be so close with anymore, but I know them better than that. And the one person you're judging, you don't even know anymore. And that person is who you WANT to see--"the bad person". How is it that you're expecting a change that YOU can see physically? The most important change is on the inside... I can see it.

Gah. What to do, what to do... nothing but pray for everyone in every situation. Maybe the problem is having too many friends? But... what am I saying? I love them all... no matter what.