Glad that's over,

I have to admit, things got pretty stressful this evening and there was a lot of miscommunication. But everything did turn out great despite the challenges that were brought to us.

I don't like the fact that a certain part of the evening happened. I never wanted to be yelled at by you ever again. That's probably not your worst, but that still seriously hurt and scared me.

I'm starting to write more again. But part of me wants to stop because what I do won't get me anywhere, and people who matter don't care to listen. I guess that's just how it seems. I know I'm wrong, but what the hell am I doing here trying to fix things?

I guess getting everything out of the way before other problems arise.

That's all. Good bye blog. Hello homework.

Complications

Hmm, what's going on with me? I've become a lot more sensitive. I kind of hate that. I've heard a comment of how girly I am, and how I wouldn't be able to "rough it up" or whatever. When the person that I used to be was never afraid of getting "down and dirty". Yes, I think I have been getting a lot more girly, but who knew that sensitivity had to come with it? I guess as much as I try to see the blessings in my life... I start noticing the little things in my life that need fixing as well. I notice the greatness of a person as a whole, and their flaws start coming out little by little.

Another thing is that I don't realize how people treat me sometimes. I've been doing a lot of things for people I love... that's how I've always been, but now I realize what happens after. No, I don't really expect anything in return a "thank you" would be enough... and yet, people react as if they are ungrateful and it hurts. I got my mom and sister tickets to see Mamma Mia! as their Mother's Day present and the first thing my mom says was "who's going to watch the kids?" My sister didn't even thank me... until I saw that she did on FaceBook and that it was in her status and we weren't even "friends" at that time. I know this seems like such a little thing... but my stupid vulnerable sensitive self is emerging from the I-don't-really-care kind of person. I'm becoming LESS stubborn and allowing other people to... I don't know... be right? I just learned to back down. But at the same time that lets people treat me like crap and walk all over me.

And I heard this on the radio when I was driving home:

"If you have to convince someone to be good to you... that's not right."

or something like that...so I just have to let it go... I can't change anyone. I can only change myself. You can never make a person change for you... they have to change themselves.

This blog makes no sense... that's why it's titled complications.

Love is Patient. pt 2

Unfortunately, I have my days where I question many of the things that I do. I need to vent... but I have no where else to go... so then, I blog. The last one wasn't just about one person... it was about my family as well. A lot of times I feel like I am just a body in this house. The one you take your anger out on... that's what I go through. I'm the youngest, shouldn't I be getting spoiled or something? Nope! I'm a punching bag for words. People wonder why I need to be heard all the time... because I'm never heard anywhere else.

But yet, through all the pain I have to feel... I am still patient in love. I used to see it as my downfall, but it really is my strength. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, though. Because when you love... you are made vulnerable. But then again, that's the only bad part about love... I give my heart and my all... and I should never expect anything in return, but sometimes its hard because you receive nothing in return... that's how I feel at home. People wonder why I hate being at home... I really do have a hard time with my family... and that's something I have a hard time talking about...

I am unhappy a lot of times... but at the same time, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I love everyone and everything in my life.

I need to practice patience... and my life is a great example of how to be patient... and to love unconditionally.

Unhappy?

Why is it that when you have something that you KNOW is a great thing in your life, you always end up taking it for granted? Or act as if it will always be there? And then once it starts to slip away, you realize how important it is, so you do whatever it takes to get it back... so once you have it again, you start to take it for granted.

I know that I can get like this, but nowadays, I would rather appreciate every little detail in my life. I especially get scared when I think about losing people so I constantly like to remind them of how much they mean to me.

But yet, I still feel like I'm being taken for granted. Like I'm just in existence as a part of furniture. Just to be there. I don't feel important in people's lives although they may say that I am. I'm not saying that I need to know every second that I'm cared about, but at the same time... I feel like I'm just... there.

And I trust words so easily... you wouldn't even need to beg to get me back...

I think I purposely hurt myself so that you don't need to do it later.

And the title of this blog? Yes, I am unhappy. Still stuck in that same position... trying to figure myself out, wanting to move on with my life... but knowing that I can't. But maybe you wouldn't care anyway. What am I waiting for? Sometimes I feel like even as a friend I am taken for granted... I don't know how to feel sometimes. I hurt so much knowing the truth... but yet all I can do is love. Because that's what Jesus wants me to do.

LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

I love you... unconditionally. And it's not fair. But nothing in life ever is...

Holy Week

What a challenge this has been, but guess what? I've grown A LOT. Every struggle I have been through, I turned it around so that I could grow from it. I have to remember everyday that I am blessed. Spoiled rotten with the love of God.

...I seriously just went blank while trying to think of my week, and what to say about it. I can't even describe it.

All I know is that I'll keep praying, and keep striving to be a better person. As for my discerning of to stay or go... we'll just see where the road takes me, one day at a time.

EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Everything.

Celebrate, for He is risen. :]

I love my God.

Wake Up

This is reality. I can't keep my head in the world I've created for myself. The world of perfection. The world without pain. And guess what? I definitely asked for it. I see it clearly. This seems so perfect, I wonder when the hurt will come in? Why did I so stupidly ask for it. I'm not angry, I'm amused with the way God works. I love God so much that I just know I need to trust Him and not worry the way I do. I'm already blessed with so much so I should just continue to know and realize what is good in my life. I'm serving, for one. And I love it so much.

I had a great talk with a good friend. I feel relieved because I've been wanting to speak with her for so long. And I'm glad she felt exactly the same.

Also, I had a great talk with Jesus during adoration. He spoke to me while I read the meditation during Life Teen's session. I was thinking, how ironic that I need to read THIS one out of the three that were read. I almost cried while reading because He was talking to me while I was speaking for Him.

"You're free", says Angela when I hugged her after I was done with my adoration. She says it because she was wondering why I was crying and I had a hard time explaining the reason. And I agree. I am free. I am most definitely free.

No person can hold me back from loving my God will all my heart. He is the only one who deserves it anyway. Any other person who wants in really needs to work. Because I am done proving myself. Although I may not have been trying... I am done proving myself to others. The only one that I need to be something for is God.

The friend that I had a great talk with deserves great thanks. Thank you for caring about me this whole time. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for telling me that it's okay to love and be hurt; because that's part of it all. That's the risk I have to take sometimes. It sucks, but it still happens... now do I sit around and wait, or do I leave?

That's something I'm discerning with God.

If you want something, work for it and work HARD for it. But only work as hard as you feel that it is worth giving time for. Make sense?

I think I gave enough... I think I gave too much...

But what I have learned... it's never a bad thing to love. To wake up and know that you love someone... and to know they still love you...

This Road

There are so many things I really want to write about right now, but everything I want to say won't come out the way I want them to. My mind is completely messed up right now. Here I am, waiting for my next class to begin... writing on my blogspot. I want to talk about lying, taking people for granted, fear, indecisiveness, and more. Seems like it's all negative right? I think that's where my mind is pulling me right now... I'm not depressed, like I've mentioned countless times in other blogs... it's just that I think a lot. Probably too much for my own good. Sometimes I over think and forget to take action.

I need to vent about this one thing though... my LIFE and the way the road seems to be taking me. I'm a little unstable now. I'm not allowed to complete my history class because the days I was absent due to my sickness, were important days. Some luck, right? That means, if I can't find a way to drop it... I'll be getting an F. My GPA will be shot again. I can't just blame my sickness though... I'm stressed and I'm discouraged so I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of going to school... But I have to finish it in order to go the path I wish to go.

But now I'm thinking, what if it's not where God wants me to be right now? I'm trying to work hard and finish everything so quick, but what if He's telling me that it's okay to take my time? That's honestly starting to sound like a really good idea, but I am so behind in getting my degree... I should work more though so that I can be able to pay my bills and pay for school on my own.

Maybe my other Professor is right. I should take a break this summer and just try to figure everything out. So much for graduating with my AAT in Spring 2010... I'll be okay. I think.

When problems arise, know that God is by your side.

Sick of it.

I am so tired of being sick. Seriously. I have no idea what is wrong with me! I have been getting a lot of rest lately, much more than I usually do. Yet this cough hasn't left my body. I've been sick for over a month already. I've had a fever within this time as well. And just recently, I've been having stomach problems as well. I need to go to the doctor again, but I can't risk missing any more classes, so I'm thinking if the stomach pains persist, I'll make an appointment for Thursday when I don't have class and since I'm not yet scheduled to work.

This sickness is taking its toll on me... I was sick on the day of the Journey concert and almost didn't go. I'm sick again today and I have to babysit. Tomorrow I was planning on attending Mass in Kailua in the morning but I'm not sure I'll be able to drive so far on my own and then be able to sit through the 5pm Mass at OLPH.

Please pray that whatever is wrong with me isn't serious. It's bringing me down a bit, but I can't let it take control of my life.

Silence

Sometimes we need that.

But silence for two years is not easy. I finally did get the courage to message my friend that I needed to mend things with and to my surprise, she was just as scared as I was. I'm glad I broke the silence.

Silence for roughly five days. HA! I have to admit, it's a bit weird. But at the same time, I only feel like I've spoken to him yesterday. It sucks to also admit that I actually miss him... And it sucks to wonder if he actually misses me while he's having tons of fun with his family in California.

Silence.

I hate silence, really. I can't sit in complete silence because there's this stupid loud buzzing sound that begins. Silence is never really truly quiet and peaceful. It kind of hurts a bit. Both kinds of silence...

I do, however, need to spend more time in this nature. Because I need to listen to God. And not tell Him what I'd like to hear.

Growth

Am I completely open to letting God in? Most of the time, yes. But sometimes... I admit I don't want to change my ways. He keeps calling me to fight off the sinfulness of myself, but there are times when I'm like, "later".

Tonight, I felt a call. I pushed Him away again, and yet He said that He was not done with me and called me back. I was asked to attend reconciliation tonight, and I said no. I said no because I didn't feel ready to confess to my sins. I didn't want to change myself today. I was being selfish. It was too late when I realized I should have gone, so I decided just to drive. I wasn't ready to go home. As I was driving, something was telling me to drive into Pearl City and go to Our Lady of Good Counsel. I was thinking, "what could possibly be there? It's seven-thirty and everything is probably done anyway." But I just kept driving. When I got to there, mass was in service and I was late. I was a bit scared to go in, but I just went with it. They were just done singing the responsorial psalm when I got in so I was glad I wasn't too late. And then time went by and Father was giving this really really long homily (longer than Father Jim, might I add). I was wondering when it would end until... I decided to really listen. He was talking about the Gifts of the Spirit and growth and love... it was long and my restlessness wanted to leave but hello, it was mass, I knew I needed to stay. Something kept on tugging at me saying I shouldn't leave. Fast forward to giving peace... one person walked over to me from the front welcoming me with a hug and not too long after someone else walked over to me and hugged me as well... Except she didn't let go. And she whispered, "He wants you to know that He's so happy you're here and that He loves you and wants you to praise Him. So praise Him... just praise Him," and she kept holding me for a bit while saying that and I started to tear up. God really wanted me there... After mass was the renewal of our baptismal vows and annointing of the Holy Spirit... that's why He called me there. He wanted me to really open my heart to Him... again and again. Tears kept on falling from my eyes, but I couldn't help but smile.

I am loved. Even though I am a sinner. This was just the first step in the next part of my growth with God. I need to continue to remind myself to stay open to GOD and fight the temptation of evil... I am not perfect. I definitely struggle, but it's all a part of my journey. I am growing and continuously filling myself... this will never stop. God's love never stops.

TRUST-- why don't I trust you?

I've been seeing and hearing that word so much lately. And every time I do, I hear that question that the teens were asked at the retreat, "why don't you trust me?" The thing is... it's not that I don't trust God, it's that I have a hard time trusting others.

The scripture that Landon and I used for our palanka to the teens was about trust. How could I not see that so evidently on Wednesday night? Why didn't I see how that word would come up so often from thereafter? Friday was pretty much a blur. No clear sign of that word appeared... it was Saturday morning. Even after the meeting we had when she discussed her session, it never stuck out to me... until now. Her session was on being empty and it posed that question above... During the teen's testimonies, a lot of them brought that question up as well. It was during that time I realized even more that I have a trust issue, but it's not necesarilly with God. I also realized the things I really don't like about myself... And then Sunday evening after it was all over, Alex and I had a very good talk... and that word was one of the biggest things.

The drive home was even more weird. I was listening to 95.5 The Fish and the DJ started to pray over the radio. He was praying that we may all be able to TRUST in God's plan and whatnot. And the next song was about trusting God... and that word just keeps following me everywhere.

I trust You, Lord. I get it. And I know now more than ever that trusting YOU doesn't mean only YOU, but it's those around me... I trust that they are all part of God's plan for me and even if they hurt me, it doesn't mean I shouldn't trust them... it's that those things are part of my growth in faith.

I do have a hard time trusting others. Yes, it's mostly because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I do know, however, that there are certain people I can trust with ceratin things, and I'm very greatful for that. Also, there is one person I've trusted with way too much that I think their cup is over flowing with parts of me. Ha. I'm not so scared of being vulnerable anymore... Like Anvie said, we shouldn't be scared of being vulnerable. I love God so very much, and I know that I'm just growing, not falling.

I think I have more, but it'll come later. I'm too tired right now.

Figuring it out...

Okay fine. I am not joining the military. And it's not for any person's sake but my own. I can't come to terms with ever truly leaving this place and all the relationships that have been built. Every single one of them. Yes, I'd still love to get away from everything for a bit, but that's all I really want. I'm not waiting around anymore, that's what I've decided. I'm letting my heart and my God take me where He needs me to be. ANd as of right now, its to continue loving. That's something I can't stop. I'm not sorry as much as I apologize. I need to be patient regardless, but I'm not waiting and there's a difference.

This is the story of my heart and it's longing for more. I've been told several times this week that I don't look my age not because of my appearance, but because of the way I carry myself. I am only nineteen years old, but I feel a lot older. Possibly twenty-five. I'm not sure. Maybe even older.

My struggles have been getting a lot harder, but you know what? It's because I haven't been trusting God as much as I should. I've been doing very good with that until it started to fade just a little, and that little opening that I gave, caused the temptation and evil to break through and try to hold me down. I am not letting that happen. No matter how much I am tested, I cannot falter. I have my God and He is so much greater than any evil out there that wants to break me down. I love my God. Always have and always will. I just need to gain that trust back again.

I'm also sorry to those who have seen the difficult side of me and have had to deal with it. You deserve none of that and I am trying to change myself, not just for you, but for God because I'm not meant to be that person. I am meant to love and that's what I'll continue to do. Even if I do get hurt. You're right. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Nothing at all.

Going back to waiting... I'm not. I'll tell you that much. But this is still a time for me to be patient because nothing has changed for me. I still know where I stand with what I feel.

God is amazing.

Love is Patient.

That's the one I need to practice the most. I have to admit I've been doing well, but things have gotten a lot more complicated and frustrating that it makes it harder, but I can handle. I'm good. I promise... I just needed that vent. I didn't mean for it to 'cause you to think. But if this helps you in whatever way it does, then I'm glad. I'm always here.

Speaking of patience... I can't wait until I go to Vegas in the summer! Free trip and hotel baby! :] And I get paid to go! Why? Because it's part of my job! How exciting :] I love being a "teacher" hehe.

There's not much I have to say, but this Lenten season, I should really practice my patience... especially since I'm getting tested a lot.

Something more...

what is it? I can't figure it out. It feels like something is missing... or like I'm always just waiting for something. I'm not quite sure what it is. My life is on repeat. I need something different. I want to get a way for a bit. My trip to Kauai will be perfect... that is, if i am able to go. If I get to go on that retreat... it would be awesome. If not, I still want to go. Hopefully for as long as I can. I need some time away. Alone would be good, but that's not gonna be possible if I stay with my friend... which I definitely don't mind because I miss her and her baby.

Sometimes I really do think about the military still because it would be great to gain my own independence and so I can just do things on my own. But then again, if I join, that means a lonely life. That's definitely not what I want, but compared to my life down here... I don't know. I can't really give up this current routine to live a life with more routine. The only change would be the scenery and people. I love the people here... I just... crave something more.

What am I waiting for, really? What is it? What is the something missing that I can't find? I'm getting more frustrated by the minute.

And now YOU'RE a teacher, right??

Haha, this was just the cutest thing. Today I was in four different classes. First Pre-School 1, which consists of 2 year olds... then I was in the infant room with.. you know, infants. Haha that was boring! Haha nah, it was okay, they just don't do much but cry and poop and eat... gah. Anyway, I went in the 1 year old class for a little bit while they were sleeping and so my sister could go for lunch, and finally after my lunch, I went into the Pre-K class. Four year olds. One year away from Kindergarten. They talk a lot. Haha. So anyway, while I was in that class, the teacher starts calling out everyone's names and the kids would have to shout out that person's last name and finally it got back to her, and the kids shouted her last name (Davenport) and I was like, "cool, that was pre-school teacher's name!" and the kid next to me goes, "and now you're a teacher, right?"

This isn't meant to be a funny blog. It's not some kind of joke... I just felt... happy to hear that... I'm only a substitute at the pre-school, but they call me Teacher sometimes... you know, when they aren't saying "Miss!" or "Auntie!" haha. It's really cute to hear that. I am going to be a teacher and I get so much more excited everyday! For right now, I'm with little kids, and I honestly think this is to help me with patience and compassion... and I guess to practice with 'em cuz according to Alex I'm supposed to have four kids? Haha idk whatever. That's later, but I love these kids... even the ones who annoy me. It'll be a real different experience when I end up teaching High School but can you imagine me saying "My pre-schoolers listened better than you!" haha so funny.

I really like working there. I have like so many different names there because there's another Sarah... so I get called Sarah Marie, Sarah M, Marie, Sami, Miss, Auntie, Teacher... I don't like when the other teachers say "Miss" in every sentence when they talk to you... haha. It gets kind of irking but whatever. Mickey calls me Marie because that's part of her name as well. Her real name is Amanda Marie, but everyone calls her Mickey. A lot of people call me Sarah Marie and that's kind of weird to hear haha cuz only Jayne (my best friend from high school) would call me that. O'a calls me Sami cuz it was one of my old nicknames. Sometimes people say Sarah M... I don't necessarily like that... haha. Idk too many names. It's a lot easier to go "EH!" Haha ew. Ok... maybe not.

Anyway, that's my life at work so far. There's lots of drama but I stay away from it while my sister tells me what's going on. So I know, but I don't fall into it. So high school that's why. Like, seriously. Get over it. That's what happens when you work with a bunch of females. Something's bound to go down.

More later.

Marriage, and other stuff

How interesting that Alex had to make Landon and I be the one's to "get married" when he could have chosen ANYONE else... haha. I have to admit, it was really fun to "get married". I couldn't stop giggling... And I couldn't make eye contact with him completely because I might have laughed harder... or maybe even cried. Haha I will admit I might have because honestly, it almost felt too real. Which was a little scary. It's cool though... you only get to marry your bestfriend once, I guess? Haha just jokes. Even now, more than ever I believe in marriage and I believe that one day, I'll be walking down the isle (again), and this time I'll really be crying. Because God has someone planned for me whether it is my bestfriend or not... God has someone great for me. I do not doubt that one bit. And I'm really excited :] I just need to continue to trust in Him and love Him like I do! God is so wonderful. And my bestfriend never ceases to amaze me either... he's a pretty awesome guy ;] even if he's irking sometimes! Haha just kidding... kind of... well what am I talking about anyway?

My mind is all over the place. I've actually been a little irritable lately... It's because of news that I heard from a friend that made me super upset. Valentine's day was good and bad for me... I never expect anything on that day anyway. With someone or without someone... but I have to admit, I'd love to be spoiled just once. Never got that before. But whatever. Anyway, I went to Mass and then ate at Zippy's with my Valentine... I wouldn't have it any other way, really. It's who I'm with not necessarily what I do... But yeah the news I heard that day and the response I got from the other person involved... ugh. Enough to make my day sour. And Sunday... yeah.... my evening ended well with a good talk with Lando Larkson. Haha... but it went wrong again when I got inside the house and instantly became irritated =/ I hate that. I'm always irritated when I'm in this house. Idk why.

Today was pretty chill. I did nothing until I had to go to Kat's birthday dinner. Then we went to Kat's house to talk story... and I was irritated again that evening. See? Moody? I'm totally not PMSing... but I've been a little on the edge. Stress maybe. I need to go to the chapel again. Anyway, I'm all over the place, like I mentioned earlier. It's time for me to sleep.

Valentine,

Wow, knowing that this day is just around the corner makes me realize... how much I don't really care much for it. I think it's because the last three Valentine's Days that I've had kind of sucked. Junior year, my Valentine didn't show up to school. I still got something, but still... Senior year... I didn't have one. Gay. Last year... we broke up two days before Valentine's Day. Haha. This year, it's like... it's unspoken, I guess. But I'm less and less of a romantic than I used to be... "you're too romantic for me". I feel like I should be even less of one. Because things in life just don't happen that way. I don't know how to explain it exactly. I'm not really complaining... I'm just learning not to care. I'm not unhappy. But there are just things I need to change about myself to make others happy. Right? I need to cater to what other people want... it seems. And not what I want. That is what sucks.

"You're too romantic for me"

that kind of hurt... whether it was a joke or forreal. Because I've heard it before. And he was completely serious.

Why do I need to cater to the world? I only need to live for God anyway!

Though I have to say... I want to make someone feel like Gabe Bondoc in his song We Match... :]

Military?

Because I have no money to pay for school and I had to sit through another lecture about where I'm going in life from my father.
Because I don't feel that I have anything to stay here for.
Because I want to start my life fresh and be independent.

Of course I'm coming back... especially because Margie is getting confirmed next year (which is most definitely important to me), and also because I'll be able to pay for school... but other than that, I'm sick of hearing this same lecture. I had to hear how I shouldn't have trusted that I would have gotten that job. Do I really have to feel worse than I already do? I keep it all inside. I hate not having a job. Yes, I love my free time. But seriously, my dad makes it sound like I'm a failure and I choose to be one... and that I'm gonna keep changing my mind. UH HELLO, TUTORING IS FOR MY MAJOR, thanks.

Thank you for being SO SUPPORTIVE of me. Thank you for helping me reach my goals in life. *sarcasm.

The military is starting to sound GREAT again. Because I'll be able to get away from here. Because I can start over. Because I have more reasons to go than to stay. I'll have money, benefits... I'll be able to meet new people.

Next time, daddy dearest, ASK me how I'm doing. ASK me WHAT I'm doing... don't just assume that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I can take care of myself. Maybe not financially, but I'm not a little kid even though I may act like one sometimes... but that's only because you make me feel this way.

I knew that I was bound to crash and burn sometime... but with everything that's happening. I still trust that this is apart of God's big plan for me.

Don't Get Too Comfortable

Mm that's where I go wrong. Give too much, get too little. Don't I deserve more? I think so, but right now, I just have to trust God with what is happening. The devil is trying to get to me. And I cannot give in. I belong with GOD alone.

Do not worry about me. Don't even think of me. I am fine. And as of right now, I don't feel that I need you. I need GOD. More and more of Him. And that's probably something you should work on. Don't confuse me anymore. Don't feel anything. Just don't. And that's it.

I really need time for myself and for God. Seems like He's the only one I can really trust.

Wall, come back up please.

Relax,

I'm sure everything will be fine :]

My future is unveiling and I am really excited. I'm serious. I don't think I've ever been so excited about going to school... haha. I hope I do graduate on time with my AA in Teaching so that I can get to Manoa already. I talked to my mom about financial aid and a loan, and she got kind of mad saying "we sent your brother and your sister to school, you think we can't send you to school either?" I really didn't mean to offend her when I told her that she didn't have to pay for school anymore if I was able to get a loan. It's just that if my dad wants to retire on time, and I want him to retire on time as well, then I really need to help them out. It sucks being the youngest and still in school and whatever, but I gotta do what I gotta do, right?

I'm getting really excited to become a teacher, I was seriously thinking about material I would teach as an English teacher... and Shakespeare is one of them of course... haha but I'd make it fun like my teachers did in HS. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

"Good morning, Ms. Espiritu" ---haha so werid. But just as long as they're not like, "Ey, miss..." that's annoying.

I'm also getting a little nervous about becoming a teacher, but that's why this blog is titled, Relax... because I really need to do that more!

Even better,

because I keep praying. Because I keep trying. Because I don't give up. I'm flawed, I know that, but that's what makes me who I am. It doesn't mean I don't try to fix it, because, I do. Everyday I try to be a better person than I was yesterday, and it doesn't always work that way, but with the help of God... I can do anything :]

I believe in always hoping, wishing, and praying for the best. And just knowing that God will take care of you as long as you trust in Him. How can He give you what you truly want if you don't trust in Him?

I'm really happy with where my life is taking me, and I'm definitely looking forward to a bright future. I know what I want in life, and I've known for a while. It was just a matter of time and PATIENCE before it was revealed to me whether it would be the right direction or not.

I'm called to be a teacher, but not for a long time. Because soon after, I might be a mother. Or a counselor, whichever comes first. I'm sure being a mother will come first though. Because it'll take me a while to get my masters... haha.

I know where I want to be. And you know where I want to be. And it's all because of God.

Practice,

patience, resisting temptation, anger management.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I need to do that sometimes. It's amazing how irritable I've been lately. I guess it's because I'm under a lot of stress and I've been going through a rough time. I don't really like to talk about it either. I keep it in... so it makes me even more irritable! I try. I'm still human. I'm very impatient... But that one I need to practice most.

Oh and I should stop procrastinating... I really should.


One more thing... God, is that a yes or a no? Hah, who am I kidding.

Forgotten,

a little emo, maybe?
I'm suck at home not feeling too good. So I'll just blog a little.

I feel like I'm being pulled along on a string. Possibly being played, maybe not intentionally but it's what it feels like. Idk why I feel like this. I had a talk with a friend last night, and he said that there's nothing wrong with the way I'm feeling, because sometimes that's what it even looks like from the outside. I'm not sure if it's my fault to feel this way, but I'm very self conscious and have a low self-esteem sometimes. That's something that definitely needs to change. That's something I'm working on with God. I hate feeling like I'm a burden or an annoyance to other people, and that's what it feels like sometimes...

Is that how you see me? You can't get mad at me for feeling that way, especially because no offence, but you make it seem that way. I don't think it's an intentional thing, but it's nice to be thought of. That is, if I AM something "special".

Going for another run, even though I have a headache.

Unsatisfied,

why is it that I never feel completely satisfied? Like, a part of me is yearning for more? Well, I can tell you why...

and it's because...

well...

I guess I'll never fully understand it. But wanting more from life makes me want to LIVE MY LIFE. To really live it and not let a day pass me by. To strive for better and hope for the best. To get what I deserve... whatever it is God wants me to have.

Gotta let it go, and give it to God... for He already knows what is deep within my heart. I trust Him with it :)

But of course, as a human, I'll never be completely satisfied... and really, I'm okay. It makes life worth living... because if I had everything... how boring would that be?

Let's groove,

I'm working on it. You know, that patience thing. Haha... Gotta remember when times get tough... to stay calm and turn to God. I'm really excited for what this year will bring. I don't know what's ahead, but I do know that everything is playing out in His plan for me... God is so awesome! I'm really trying to keep my head up and not let the LITTLE THINGS bother me like I do... but sometimes it's real hard for me. Especially when it comes to how others feel about me... like whether I'm hurting them or not. Idk, just trying to better myself in all aspects. I have a couple of teachings I should work on, but I'll save that for later tonight because I gotta continue cleaning my room before it's dark out. Anyway, that's all for now!

Changes --

need to happen with my lifestyle.

If I'm going to Spain in 2011, I need to save a whole lot better.
If I'm going to pay for my summer classes, I DEFINITELY need to save better.

Of course, I'll still go out and have fun, but that means I can't SPEND so much while going out. Instead of going to the theaters (unless it's a MUST-see), movie nights at home!
Instead of always eating out, home-cooked meals! I'll be home a lot more since I'm not working at Price Busters.
Allow more hours for babysitting... which helps with the going out on Friday nights...
Stop buying random things... like clothes, do I really need more than I have? Outfit repeater! Haha jk. Gotta cut down on it all...
Can't use my NEX card for anything else but gas... with the exception of buying stuff for my mom or when I get my sunglasses prescribed hehe.
Use cash instead of my card... because that means I'll pay it back anyway... plus interest. And this is a better way of keeping track and I hate using cash so it helps!
Work out so I can eat whatever the heck I want! Haha
Fix my sleeping habits. I know, I say it all the time...
Go to the chapel more often.
Quit procrastinating.
Do better in school. I need to stop wasting my time there... or else it's the air force for sure.
Clean my stinken room. Ha!

Idk, there's a lot more I need to change... but I'll figure it out as I go.