My 2008,

January - Muy interestante the way it started. Wish I could forget it, really. I had my first alcoholic drink EVER *gasp (I'm not a drinker, I won't make an excuse but it was for Angelica's birthday). Went clubbing for the first time.

February - We broke up. Thank God, because it was for the better. I didn't realize how unhealthy he was for me. Because I stopped trusting and having faith in God. But you kept trying to come back? And what for? Because you were lonely?

March - Reconnected with an old friend who ended up affecting my heart like he did... it was good while it lasted. Got my lip piercing. Got to chill with old classmates, and I haven't seen them since then. Wedding bells and a performance...

April - Barely remember what happened that month. Retreat happened though, still wasn't connected with God...

May - Clubbing all the damn time... wow, can't believe that...

June - National Product, had to get a rental car 'cause Lindsey's friend hit my car outside of Landon's house haha. Grad parties and graduations... it was eventful.

July - realized I wanted to join the air force... realized I had to get back in with God first. Cried to Landon about it--that's where it all began folks. More grad parties and performances for them.

August - Started going back to church--for good. Preparing for the retreat, chillin with the right crowd again. Focusing on God. Turned 19... made a year at Price Busters... Second year of college... blah Band camp happened here too

September - established ourselves as each other's bestfriend. How gay that I remember that. No I don't remember the date. Haha. But it was a Tuesday because it was at UH :] mm, yogurtland for the first time. Doing well with my relationship with God.

October - good birthday party--haha. Retreat =] SOOO Much happened, that needs to be its own blog. Got asked to be a Sponsor =] wow, this month was crazy.

November - realized I felt a little more for my bestfriend... haha I have many blogs about this month that I shouldn't even write it here... but yeah. Reconnected with my longtime sister =] Missed her dearly. Officially became a sponsor. And we met Ickest together haha

December - And here we are, end of the year... I quit my job, ended 3rd semester... everything is such a blur. I guess I'm just thankful for the people who made all these months so much more than I could ask for. And that's more than enough... these memories will be carried on forever =]

Better now,

promise. Thanks to Margie. Who showed me love and has faith in me. I love you so much because you make me want to be that better person and role model for you! After all, I need to be equipped to help you on your journey with God! And to my bestfriend, for putting up with me and loving me no matter what.


My heart is so happy. God is so wonderful. I trust Him more and more... even if I have my stupid human questions, but that I can't help.

Christmas isn't over yet!

Reason Being...

Upset? On Christmas? Must I really do this? Yes. Because no one else will hear me... no one else needs to bear this with me. My emotional rollercoaster of confusion, frustration... emptiness. I'm not filling myself with God enough times in a day to really be strong enough for this. I was upset with myself and my relationship with Him last night. I cried. I don't like the way I get... but honestly, I'm not even a step up of any of them. What I'm called doesn't fit. Man, I really want some time for myself. I don't get any quiet here at home... yet it's upsetting to want to be alone on Christmas. I got invited to join families, but I refused the invitation to spend it with my own. Only to find out they did everything on Christmas eve, when they KNEW I was working. They had dinner together... they saw the lights... I HATE WORKING. I HATE THAT I MISSED IT. And now I don't want to be here. Crying like a baby. No one could make me feel better. No one knows how to show they care. At least, not the people I expect it from MOST. What kind of Christmas is this? How can I show that I know how to love when the people who SAY they love me don't know how to show it?


And I'm supposed to write a teaching on love...

I can't do this.

On Christmas Day

I am thankful for all the presents I got under my tree, but most importantly that I was able to spend it with my family AND my church family. I am super happy, and greatful, but yet... my heart couldn't feel more empty. How emo, right? Well, that's just how it is. I'm impatient and frustrated and feel like I can't sit and wait for something to happen. I'm sick of how history repeats itself and yet, I know why it does. Or at least, I think I do... I'm not sure how to explain my heart right now. But I honestly feel like I need to stop showing how much I care. Because when you give and don't receive back, that only makes you more empty. That's what I learned in my communications class and even various places. And when you just only receive, you become spoiled. It needs to be even... but it's not. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I can better explain myself when I'm talking to Andrea, it seems. haha

oh well.

The way it feels,

to feel the way I do... You don't even know. My heart gets so heavy sometimes it kills me inside and I want to cry for no reason. Like right now. I'm so happy with my life, yet I don't feel quite satisfied. Something is still missing. Whether it's situations with friends, family, or life in general... I can't tell. My mind is everywhere. Right now is probably the perfect time to go for a jog like I inteded, but I can't help but sit here and think. What is wrong with me?

I promise you, who ever you are, that I am fine. I really am. God is so great and wonderful in my life. It's just... I've been feeling like something bad is going to happen. I'm a little nervous. Blah. I hate how I am sometimes. I just need to know I'm cared for. At least with reassurance. I guess that's just because of my past... it's something I need to get over completely. History doesn't always have to repeat itself... Why am I so worried? Idk, a lot of times I feel that I care more about people than they do for me... Haha I know, it's pathetic. I'm sorry.

I need some time by myself. A jog sounds pretty good to me right about now.

God is GOOD.

No matter what may happen... I had that sinking feeling in my heart that something bad was going to happen... and it did. It almost destroyed my day. But thank GOD for someone to listen and help me realize how stupid I'm being, and also throw back things I say as advice to use it for me to hear... to help with my situation. I am feeling a lot better, and I know that God loves me and will continue to bless me even if the blessing seems like a punishment, or something bad. It's up to me to make what I will about it.

It does still upset me how much of a misunderstanding this is... If I could only explain myself to that side... but would they even listen? I'm sure it would seem like an excuse. But it's not.

IDK, I can't let it bother me so much. Because I'm a lot stronger than I think. I'm lucky to have the kind of friend my bestfriend is to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my other friends just as much... :] And... honestly, I do miss them... but how could I go back when I'm only walking towards God? If this is the road He's taking me on... so be it... God is GOOD.

Lately,

things have been feeling a little out of focus. It might be because things with school are slowing down, but not without stressing me to the max first. Exam after exam... okay I'm exaggerating, but still... I'm a little stressed because of school. Another thing is work. I only have about two and a half weeks left at that place, and I'm a little sad to leave, but also relieved because I am so sick of working retail and never having enough time for more important things like family, friends, SCHOOL and church. I slacked in school because of work... Seriously, I need to focus better... Another thing is, I've been thinking... A LOT. And I'm not sure how I feel about everything right now. I'm a little numb, just like I used to be. And that scares me... I can't let myself go back to my old ways. What sucks though, is I lost friends along the way to my journey with God. I don't necessarily regret it, but I'm not sure they understand. Sometimes I just want to be by myself... because it would make me feel a lot better to know that I can't hurt anyone.

I really need God right now.

When I am quiet...

it could mean that...

I'd prefer not to talk.
I'm listening intently.
I'm thinking (good or bad).
I'm tired.
I'm annoyed.
I have nothing to say.
I have SO much to say but don't know where to begin...

And the last one was the case not to long ago. I wasn't smiling, even though you said I was. But then again you weren't looking. I wasn't even smiling inside. I was a little confused, but not enough to worry myself. I'm not sure how to respond to what you said.

Anyway, enough of that because I already talked to God, and I'm all g!

I learned something today. Though it was something I always kind of knew... and it's from an article Joan sent me today:

"If love were just an emotion, then God couldn’t command it. But love is something you do. It can produce emotion, but love is an action."

Do more than what you say, readers. If you love someone like your friends and your family, SHOW IT. Don't just say it. Because that could mean nothing unless there is your truth and heart behind it. Haha idk, I'm a little tired right now, but I wanted to write about this article all day and now I don't remember half the things I wanted to say!

I still stand by what I said to you last Tuesday.

Like a drum

If you could watch it on a monitor, I'm sure you'd all be laughing too. I can honestly say that no one has ever done that to me before.

Yeah, God's still laughing at me.

It's stupid and pathetic and makes me seem like a fool and a lot more vulnerable. But guess what? I'm not scared.

In the words of my sponsor, "you need to stop denying it already." I hate him. He knows me too well.

Oh and back to God laughing at me... TAFFETA WHITE?! I can't believe that's the color of that dress...

And by the way, I AM relaxed. If you understand what you do to me... if you feel even half of that, then let me be! :]

This blog doesn't satisfy me in length, but I guess I'll post it anyway. It's just what's on my mind. I mean, there's a lot more, but I think people would get lost trying to comprehend my thoughts...

STOP right now, THANK YOU very much

It's five am. Thanksgiving morning. What the heck am I doing up? I am practicing for my Black Friday shift--no joke. But it's also because I fell asleep at Andrea's house again and kind of forgot to home right away. Haha well whatever, the point is... as I was driving home, I was thinking about a blog I read that made me think about what I am thankful for. I am so truly blessed with everyone and everything in my life that it's hard to really bring it all to one short blog, so be prepared to read for days...

First and foremost, I am so thankful that Jesus died for our sins. Otherwise, things would not be the way they are. I am thankful that God does everything that He does for me... that He loves me unconditionally no matter what. Even with all the stupid mistakes that I make... He blesses me anyway. I'm just so in love with that... Just... wow... :] Hard to put into words but I know what I truly feel in my heart.

My family. Our relationships are not where I want them to be, but I am thankful for their continuous love and support anyway. My parents work so hard to this day to provide for our family because no one in this house can seem to take care of themselves! You guys don't know how much I just want to give back to them... I want to pay everything off for them, but unfortunately I can't. Not with the money I don't have! My siblings... it sucks how big our age gap is, but I'm glad they're still apart of my life. My niece and nephews never fail to put a smile on my face, even if all they're doing is sleeping. Weird, yeah? I love watching them sleep... anyway, I'm just so blessed with those three!

Church family... where would I be with out all of you? You have helped me grow with and understand God more than my nine years at OLPH (not that it wasn't good for anything, I was just a little more intrigued).

Angelica... we have gone through some rough times these past five years... and I know every time we got close again, it wasn't the same, but I am hoping that this time around, you know how much I still care about you and want you in my life. I am so thankful for someone who understands me so well and who can just talk to me about anything until the sun comes up. And that we can get fat together and work out together and then eat more together! Haha. I think when the time for your wedding day comes... I'll have to paint myself darker so that I can sing Brian McKnight songs for you... haha. Thank you for accepting me back in your life even though it might have been a little hard and since we're both pretty damn stubborn. We're more than best friends, Ange... we're sisters.

Francis... my sponsor. I am so thankful that you said yes, and I know I already told you this, but you are exactly what I want in a sponsor! Don't ever doubt yourself :] You're the older brother that's closer to my age and understands me a little better. I know I'm a little stubborn, but I'm glad you're able to talk some sense into me when I need it most!

MargieLOVE, my first candidate. I'm so thankful that you eventually chose me as your sponsor. I'm happy that you see something good in me because I know I'm doing something right for once! I hope that you are able to look to me for guidance when you need it... and that I don't scare you with how crazy I can get... but I still think the craziness skips a generation ;] Thank you for being YOU!

Drea, you deserve your own little thank you as well. Thank you for listening to me, and even putting up with me. And for providing a house that I fall asleep at and forget to go home because it's so damn easy to fall asleep at your house. You already know how glad I am that you're in my life. Do you ever think... haha, just kidding. Just thank you for understanding me and never giving up on me.

LB, the DBiest DB ever. Words could not even fathom everything I want to say to you. You are so much more than I ever expected. I want to tell you how much I hate you, but I think I can be a little more clever than that. "I word-greater-than-hate you" doesn't do it at all. I can't believe I went from honestly thinking you were a little weird last year when I first met you--ask Angelica, she reminded me--to being so vulnerable, but safe with you. Thank you, for listening to me when I need to vent. Thank you for driving me because you want to. Thank you for paying for food even if you're broke. Thank you for letting me pay sometimes. Thank you for making me laugh by being yourself. Thank you for frustrating me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for giving me a reason to trust you. Thank you for being so FAKE with me. Thank you for HATING me. Thank you for being my best friend... And most importantly, thank you for helping me get back on track with God. I needed that little push, and you know, Alex was right in saying I came back and it wasn't because of you... but you did help some! Haha, you didn't give up on me. Take it for what it's worth/gay moment ahead (but I'll try not make it so gay because those are even gayer and better in person!) But anyway... I<3You, loser. Gay moment over! :]

There are SO many people I am thankful for and they've all played big roles in my life even if it seemed like a small one, but these people who are mentioned individually are the most recent and really deserve some thanks. If you're not on here, it doesn't mean I am not thankful for you... I am, I promise. Just know you're still all in my hearts and prayers this Thanksgiving Day :] Enjoy your day!

Philia (pt. 2)

There just has been so much misunderstanding for the last five years. But yet... after all this time, we still get each other. The bitterness, the kind of fake happiness back... we can laugh about it. And we can know that everything can be a lot better. It was realizing that we needed to get over ourselves to give us the push. That and some stupid guy who said he did nothing, but in reality... God used him to help us. I always knew that I had to fix my relationships with others before I could have anything with anyone else. I'm still on my way to making myself a better person. I'm still growing in my faith. This is a continuous journey... to walk with God. And it is so worth it because of all the blessings He has given me. I'm truly thankful for my friends.

And now to work it out with my family.

Words left unsaid

Writing down how I feel is a heck of a lot easier than saying it! I realize even more now that I have a hard time saying what I really feel when its face to face, but what am I so afraid of? Writing it all down makes it even more solid like signing a contract, so it should be harder for me!

God has a way of messing with your mind. In a good way! Haha... He was messing with my iTunes. As I was thinking about things I could/should/would have said, LOVE ME comes on and I'm thinking, wow, you really know how to get to someone, huh? And I'm sure He was just smiling down at me. Being able to write isn't such a bad thing. Because you can EDIT. In other words, you have a lot more time to think about what you're going to say. If you know me well enough, you know that sometimes I don't think before I speak... so writing helps me lots. It gives me time to organize my thoughts and breathe...

Speaking of breathing, there are things you do that make it hard to do so.

I was quite satisfied with Twilight as a movie, but the book still totally owns. Edward and Bella... *sigh... And now back to reality! Life doesn't happen like the movies... good thing too. It would just be so boring. But hey, there are somethings that would be nice...

Wow, I'm all over the place again. I knew what I was going to say and everything, but iTunes is just killing me. God really knows how to get to me... If you only knew...

"I love the way you look when you sleep. It fascinates me." That's not real >.<

"Completely Happy"

Is a pretty damn big standard to live up to, don't you think? I can't do anything else, but laugh at everything that is happening around me. Why in the world should you be so over protective of someone who is not your possession? Four people. There are four people who would be most against this. Two against me, two against you. But in all honesty, I could care less what other people think. Because it's what God says and thinks that matters to me. And so far... He's just kind of been laughing as well.

So... moving on... I'm feeling a little off today. I'd prefer not to be in class or go to work. It might be because of how excited I am to finally watch Twilight :] Everyone's asking what is the big deal about this book/movie, but you need to figure it out for yourself, and if you find it's nothing big then that's you. I was just so intrigued by the author's writing style and her perspective on this young unconditional love between teenagers (don't think of the fact that one is a vampire). I've always been a hopeless romantic even though I openly hate but secretly love "gay moments". There's just a lot to me that not a lot of people know about, and that's just fine with me! But Twilight is nothing comparable to Harry Potter (because HP owns!), it's just awesome in it's own genre. To find a love like Edward and Bella would be magical (haha). And that is probably definitely hard to find unless you both have your relationship GOD-CENTERED. I believe this. If God is your foundation, then you both will be fine. I'm not saying it will be a breeze, but it will definitely be a lot stronger. And through God, you might be able to make each other "completely happy". Ha! I crack myself up. But I'm totally serious.

Wow this blog is all over the place, but that's where my mind is right now. I think that's why I can't be in class--there's just too much thinking involved and my brain is already on overdrive. At work, I have a lot of time to think AND work hard (or so it seems!). But whatever... I've got like so many hours to kill right now so it's best that I put my thoughts on paper... or blogspot. Whatever. I don't think anyone really reads my stuff anyway, so I guess that's good :P

What should my next pointless blog be about, you think?

There's nothing I want more...

Than for you to be happy and figure out where God is leading you. Regardless of what the outcome is... there is a reason for it. I trust God so much... and I know I say that a lot, but it's because it is true. Yes, I am scared... because I am human. But there is something greater than us behind this.

My wall is down, and I don't regret it at all.

Second Best

There was a point today when I was praying in the chapel that I realized how many times I've been "second best" or "so close, BUT..." or even the "best friend that's a girl". It's been this way in multiple situations. I just wasn't IT. I've had many people I considered my best friend that always had someone in front of me as their best friend. And it sucks to have felt that way. Like, I'm so close to what someone looks for, yet still not close enough. So while I was praying, I had to ask God, why? And you know what He told me?

I'm being selfish. Haha... that and that it isn't always true. Although I wasn't my candidates first pick... she picked ME. And yes there was a situation where she had to chose, but I was chosen in that situation. And I love her to death. It's complicated and I could be negative and say I was second best, but whatever... she's with me :] Haha that sounds so silly.

But anyway, this blog was a little pointless, but I had to reassure myself that it's not whether I'm second best or whatever... there will be people who see me for who I really am and will be happy with their decision... well, at least I hope so. I don't know. This blog has probably confused you a little, but that's okay. I know what I'm talking about.

Breaking Point

I should break right about now. I should be crying myself to sleep. I should give up and lose hope. I should do all these things, but I won't. Because I am a lot stronger than I think I am. And now that I look at the big picture, I'm not unhappy. I'm still so thankful for everything I have and everything I am going through. I'm not upset with my life. I'm just living every day and taking everything for what it is.

So what's the problem?

I'm building a wall. And it's growing at a constant rate. Although, I'm not too sure how strong this wall is, and what it's breaking point is. I could possibly let it fall before my eyes. Or turn away while it's at it's strongest. And I wonder, if I turn away... how will the person on the other end feel? I could never do that to someone. At least, I don't think I could.

Is this really a big problem?

No, it's not. Because no matter what the outcome of these events turn out to be... I know God has this ongoing and growing plan for me. I don't doubt that. I know that He wants me to keep living... and keep living for Him.

I've given Him my heart. I put all my trust in Him. So maybe this wall is kind of pointless... but then again, I'm not wrong for trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

My heart's racing

and dropped like what feels like down a black hole. Haha. Sound dramatic, eh? I can't believe my eyes right now. I feel like crying for no reason. Or no good reason. It's quite a stupid reason. And it's something with how much I trust God... what would I do without you?

I can't believe I am thinking about this. I can't believe it. I can't believe tears are actually falling down my face. I'm not depressed, readers. I promise you. Just a little... shocked. Scared. I actually feel like laughing. I am okay. Just doing a lot of thinking...

I can't believe how my heart feels right now. What the heck?

Funny how,

I look back at my old blogs and see how much I've grown. I had a swearing problem that was been increasingly been going down since then, thank goodness. I felt things once that make me laugh now. Because I read how vulnerable I was to this one guy... and that makes me laugh because we just STOPPED talking altogether. Every so often, we'd say hi and whatnot, but now I'm thinking, what the heck was that? Yeah, we got super close, but that just stopped... and to be honest, that friendship wasn't even close to what I have with my best friend. YES, I said best friend. (If Andrea is reading this she's probably laughing really hard right now--STOP THINKING WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!) I wish people would just take it for what it is... but I have to admit, the things I hear crack me up. If you don't know what I am talking about, that's okay. Just smile and nod.

Anyway, back to my old blogs... I read them thinking how stupid I was... but I guess that comes with growing up, right? There's still a lot I need to work on. I am not perfect. I'm just really blessed by God :]

Blessing In Disguise.

Now I know the true meaning of it. Even a struggle can be a blessing. How can it not be? When struggles only are here to make us stronger and appreciate everything even more. I may cry and stress about situations, but I still can't completely worry about it. I don't get so worked up over it like I would before. I feel a lot more calmer... and it's all because of how much I am trusting God right now. I am so truly blessed and I feel I'm not even worthy of everything He's giving to me. But I guess He's just letting me know how much He trusts me as well.

More later, I need to get to class.

"Philia"

Seems to get harder and easier at the same time. I know why I was put into that session now. At first, I was thinking, I'm not having a hard time with my friends, so why am I in this one? I think I understand it now. I should have seen it coming. The troubles ahead. I'm doing okay, I promise. It just blows my mind how much DRAMA could fall around me. And some problems aren't my own, yet people love to pull me into it. A close friend of mine told me it's probably so I am able to use my gifts, and I guess that's the reason why. I mean, how many things could possibly happen within a week? WAY too many. I feel like I'm still in High School. That's how bad this has become. I'm not sure who I can trust sometimes. Yes, you all may say "You can trust me!", but can I really trust you when everything falls apart? How many are left standing beside me? I've had trust issues for a really long time now and I have to say there are probably less than five people I can truly trust with all my heart. They know who they are... I hope.

Going back to being pulled into the drama... get your facts straight BEFORE you decide to judge. What the heck am I supposed to do about it when you coming running to me looking from the outside on someone else's business that's not my own? I've had this happen twice already this past week. Of course I am going to defend them, because I KNOW them. I know who they are. The other two I may not be so close with anymore, but I know them better than that. And the one person you're judging, you don't even know anymore. And that person is who you WANT to see--"the bad person". How is it that you're expecting a change that YOU can see physically? The most important change is on the inside... I can see it.

Gah. What to do, what to do... nothing but pray for everyone in every situation. Maybe the problem is having too many friends? But... what am I saying? I love them all... no matter what.

What I say I'm going to do, and what I end up doing

never seem to work out sometimes. I need to have more will power... like stop eating fast food and wasting money. I need to start getting healthy! I have such bad eating habits. I'm not as concerned about my weight as I am with my health and being healthy in general. But I do need to get fit before I join the military.

That's just what's going on in my mind right now.

The Struggle

I am struggling with money... And I am definitely ashamed to say it. I'm frustrated with myself because as much as I am trying to save my money and manage it, my bills pile up... because of fees, and things that are being automatically charged like my payment protector. I'm so fucking confused and stressed and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not getting payed enough for the stuff I do at work or even enough hours...

I have three credit card bills to pay. And then there's my Verizon bill.

I am under stress. I can't sleep at night anymore...

Hopefully I get this other job... no more playing around. I gotta fucking grow up. Part of me already has... but yeah. I really need to work harder... I've also been fucking around in school.

Okay. This is something else I need to get through... but I need help. I admit it. I need help...

So sit back I'm about to explode...

I have to say, I've never felt so inspired... NATIONAL PRODUCT is the reason. They have given me new hope, a new spirit, and a new faith in myself that I have never even seen before. I just want to sit and write, and even though other thoughts may falter the inspiration, it never ceases to come back. I just want to share my passion with the world. I may not be the best, but I read somewhere (written by the guys of NP) that it isn't about being the best and it's not a race or a competition... It's about doing what you love and wanting to share that with others. That's what it has always been since the beginning for me. That's what I thought back in 7th grade when I started writing songs or maybe earlier when I would sing random things I made up to my parents while driving home from somewhere...

Jeff (one of the guys in the band) told me something that really inspired me as well. I asked him how it felt to finally get out there and share his music with the world and he was telling me how amazing it felt. That got me so excited, but I told him I had a small dilemma. A lot of people say when they hear me, they hear an R&B-Soulful feel, but when I write... it's poetic, "emo", or rock--whatever you wanna call it. I didn't know what to do. And you know what he said? "The best thing about music is that it has no limits. You can blend different styles of music and make it your own. That's what it's all about." I think there was more, but I just felt a rush and knew. I knew that he was right. I can't let something as SILLY as that get in my way of what I want to do... I may not be famous or whatever, but that doesn't matter. I just want to be the inspiration for people one day. Whatever I do... I want to keep singing.

They Who Made Me Smile

They made me smile. And I have to write about it. Those who walked in the doors of my work place... made my day so much better. Alex, Querida, Marie, Brandon, Mike, Manang and her Husband, Sheryl, Carmichael... all of them. So many visitors. With the worst manager. Gosh. Who knew just seeing people could make me smile ^_^

Bang bang. To the heart.

What makes me feel the way I do? How many times has this situation arrived to the same exact outcome? This is what makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I'm trying way too damn hard. I need to stop putting myself in positions where I'll get hurt.

Falling.

Time to pull the trigger.

Ready?

Aim...

Fire.

Fallen.

And I'm the only one who notices.

Seems like my life is on repeat.

I Just Can't Stop

and I just can't pull my self away...

What is this? I dream about you, I think about you... I write about you. It's pathetic... What makes me think there's a chance? You're leaving soon. I won't see you again until November (not September like it says in the last entry). Will you write? Well, maybe by then, my feelings will have changed... that's if nothing happens between us.

Leavin'

I'm going away in September, and I am totally serious about it. Of course, I will be back, but I am really considering that trip... now if only I can save enough money to do so. No more outings for food. No more buying CDs ('cept for Jesse's), shoes, too much clothes... I really want to go to the mainland in September. For what? Not yet. Not now... I can't say. We'll see.

It's not like that.

I think you might have expected me to wait. But for how long? A girl wants to know that she's loved and will be taken care of. When I saw you, for once... I finally felt nothing. I didn't feel tingly inside like I used to. I didn't feel nervous. I still care about you, but as a friend. I know what you're going through--well, just with what you've told me. So you should know that you always have me here to help you out. I can't be your back up plan or whatever. You weren't the only one afraid...

With You

I am not the type of girl who would up and leave.
I am not the one who would cheat on you.
I am not the one who will hurt you intentionally.
I am faithful, willing, able, loving...
and I know this.
Because it's something most guys take for granted.
There is only one part of me I cannot give, and for a good reason.

I am actually coming out to say it... kind of...

I like you. And I know if you ever found out, you'd think it was stupid. But you can't help who you have feelings for. You are different. Not the type I usually go for... Sucks that you are leaving. But I would still be here... friend or more than. I'm here, ok?

I hope you never see this.

My heart on loneliness.

Damn. That's the only work I can think of to describe the way I feel. It isn't a good "damn" not is it a bad one... I just can't explain it.

I feel so lonely inside. Like, my heart wants to explode because it contains all this love with no one to share it with. I want to be with the person God destined me to be with so that I can just share all of what I am keeping within. I feel so stupid... seems like I'm waiting around, but I'm not. Not intentionally, at least. I just want to share my heart with someone who won't fuck me up like all the others have.

That's not a lot to ask for. What the hell am I doing here?

Fuck Vulnerability

I hate being walked on. I hate being so damn nice. I hate doing things for others and thinking about them before myself. It's time for a change. Call me selfish, but if you got hurt all the damn time like I have, you'd understand.

I'm not fighting for no one anymore. I'm fighting for myself. For the protection of my own heart. I'm sick of hurting all the damn time and wishing for something that isn't coming my way.

Don't say things to me to get me to trust you just so you can fuck me over like everyone else. Say it. Mean it. Do something about it.

In this world, it seems as if you can't trust anyone. Not even yourself.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were just like those girls who give the guys every damn thing they want without a care in the world. The one's who give themselves to feel "loved" when the boys only want one thing...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I am glad I am not. Fuck that. Ask me why I won't give myself to anyone so easily? Because I know they don't love me. And they can play the part as much as they want... whatever. Yes, I need to feel loved and I love when people know how to show me they care. I have high affection needs. I love being loved, but not at the risk of my morals, you know? I don't get how some girls can just do that...

I am not like those girls who would go and just break your heart 'cause I feel like it. Break up with you because you make a little mistake or because I am scared of my feelings. Although, I may be scared... I talk about it and eventually embrace my feelings. But what do I get when I finally give in to the way I feel? Dumped. It's a fucken trend in my life.

I could vent for days about how my life sucks and blah blah, but I won't. Know why? Because the dramas and things that happen... I can get over it. Eventually at least. I mean, I like to talk about things, but... damn I don't even know what I am saying.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just be with that one person and get it over with already. I'm tired of it. I want to be with someone who WANTS TO BE WITH ME TOO.

Thank you, come again.

Beyond Reality

That's what it feels like sometimes. My days go by so fast as if they were a dream. Who knows, maybe there were...

Seeing my old friends from High School was nice. My friend's mom's old HS classmates came down to Hawai'i from the Philippines for a class reunion. That was pretty cool. I want to be able to do that years and years from now. Seeing old faces. Reminiscing on the good times.

High school feels like a dream. FOUR YEARS went by. I don't where all the time went. If I could do HS again, I would, but I'd probably work harder and spend more time with my friends because my once-close group drifted. What happened? Most would agree that it was "boyfriends", others might say we just all changed. I think it's both.

Sometimes I wish I could get that one friendship back to where it once was. God knows I am stubborn. And so is she. Who will be the first to apologize? Ha...

And death... it's inevitable. I won't go into it. Because I want to see everyone's faces at the 10 year reunion...

I'm tired.

No Air

Never mind the words of the song by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown... it's the way it makes me feel. This is how I feel about...(let's call him BABY)... BABY. Haha that's funny. But if you watched This Christmas, you'd understand. For the sake of my privacy, I'll leave his name out, but if you know me, you'dve heard of him by now. He is NOT my boyfriend, nor do we really have something going on, but even with out that, he makes me feel so loved and cared for and for once I feel that I can give myself to someone and I can be vulnerable, but I don't have to fear him breaking it. I feel that we can connect but there is no pressure of having to feel a certain way towards each other. It is too good to be true, because if it were perfect, we'd both feel attracted in that sense, but I don't even know how to explain. Things happen quick, but I feel our friendship growing into a deeper friendship. Neither of us know where the road is going, but it doesn't matter. I am completely fine where we are because my heart is not whole. A piece of me is still with someone who can't give me what I want, and I am okay with that.

God is beautiful and is quite comedic, for this is amazing and quite funny at the same time. He has a plan though, and I am trusting it. With my whole heart. If this isn't it, there is something better. And I am glad to know that God is behind all of this.

So then it began...

I guess this is a little like Xanga, but not as fancy. And I like that. I've decided to move on to this one, and see how long this lasts. Me and blogging... we're the same as my relationships. They go on for a little while... then stop. HAHA. Then I find a new one to move on to. I'm just kidding.

We were supposed to hit up the beach this morning, but I woke up late and parents changed plans so now... Ala Moana tonight? Damn I really don't wanna shop 'cause I'm hella broke. I don't even wanna drive that far 'cause we're not car pooling. I guess it's the chance I get to kick it with my girls. We'll see what happens.